Being single (not by choice) can be rough. Sure, you don’t have to share your ice cream or Netflix queue with anyone, but every once in a while that little voice in the back of your head pipes up to remind you that maybe it would be nice to have someone in your life. Someone who would happily share your enthusiasm for frozen desserts and binge-watch Gilmore Girls with you on a Tuesday night.
Someone other than your dog.
Well, you’re in luck. (Kind of.) You see, while we may not be able to tell you what exactly will score you a date with the hot guy or girl you’ve been eyeing, we can tell you what DOESN’T work. Things you might want to hold off on revealing until you find out if the other person is as crazy about dogs as you are. Things like:
1. When someone you meet at a bar asks if you’re taken, don’t say, “No, but I’m a single mom. I’ve got a Chihuahua at home.”
Now, some of you might be wondering what’s wrong with that statement.
Nothing except most people aren’t down with the crazydogladyspeak.
2. If you do say that and they laugh, don’t then say, “No, I’m serious.”
This is the kind of stuff you bring out later, preferably after an incident in which both of you get food poisoning from the new Thai place you wanted to try out so badly but instantly regretted the moment you found yourselves fighting over who gets to puke in the toilet and who gets the bathtub. You know, once they get to know the real you.
3. Don’t have them see you and your dog share a water bottle on the 1st, 3rd, or 9th date.
As a former dog walker, I can say I’ve shared many water bottles with many dogs, because summertime walks are brutal and no one has time for dehydration. That said, maybe drink first before handing the bottle over to your pup. If your date kisses you after they’ve seen you drink from the same bottle as your pup, that person’s a keeper.
4. Don’t text “pawsome” or “high paws” before meeting someone from OkCupid for the first time.
The only time it is acceptable to use dog puns in opening exchanges with people is when you’re applying for a position at BarkPost (true story) or when you just don’t give a pup what people think. Which is cool, but it might not get you a date, either. YMMV.
5. Don’t say in the middle of a first date that sometimes you wish you could just text your dog. Even if it’s true.
Of course it’s true. If it were up to us, our dogs would come along on every first date, because what better way to sniff out the weirdos than to let your trusty BFF, well, sniff out the weirdos. Duh.
6. When you do manage to get a date over to your apartment, it’s ok to sometimes have your dog sleep on the floor. Not everyone wants to share a bed with you AND your pup the first time they’ve been invited over.
Or at least warn them that your dog is definitely going to watch you two, ahem, get intimate. Seriously. Nothing kills the mood faster than surprise tongue action from a dog. (And if your date seems ok with that, RUN. RUN AWAY AND DON’T LOOK BACK.)
I hope this list has been helpful. And if it isn’t, at least you’ve still got your loyal pup who will always love you no matter what!
(Massive high paws to Jenny B. from the Bark & Co. family for the super helpful tips!)