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16 Apps Dogs Would Invent For Smartphones Just To Help Them Dog

16 Apps Dogs Would Invent For Smartphones Just To Help Them Dog

Note: These apps are for pretend. For now.

Technology makes leaps and bounds in the blink of an eye. Ten years ago, we didn’t even have smartphones, so imagine what we’ll have in ten more years (Probably really smart phones? I don’t know.) Anyway, if our love of dogs keeps pace with our love of technology, we think we’ll be seeing some apps like this in the not-too-distant future.

Here are 16 apps your dog would invent to make life even better:

1. GULP

GULP

Inspired by Yelp, GULP would help dogs identify local sources of delicious food including but not limited to: the best dumpsters, the most gullible neighbors, and the restaurants that regularly give out leftovers. It even has helpful reviews from other dogs, who can rate places using the industry standard five-paw system.

2. Howl-a-bunga

This Shazam-like app would identify just who in the neighborhood is howling their head off.

howling collage

Is it the new Beagle puppy or that Retriever around the corner? Your dog NEEDS to know.

3. Lo-cat-or

This is a cautionary meme.

This is a cautionary meme.

Pronounced just like you think, this absolutely necessary app would use the latest technology to triangulate the location of any and all nearby cats, then display them helpfully on a user-friendly map.

A (relatively) safe neighborhood.

A (relatively) safe neighborhood.

10 years ago, this Lo-cat-or map would have been littered with red dots. Today, Williamsburg, Brooklyn is much safer.

4. Humpr

Dogs love to love, but not every dog is looking for a serious relationship. Some are just looking for a quick ‘n’ casual, no-strings-attached hump.

Humpr allows your to become acquainted with the local humping scene.

Humpr would allow your pup to become acquainted with the local humping scene.

And that’s not always easy to get. But folks, these sorts of things don’t need to ever happen again:

This is just...embarrassing. For everyone.

This is just…embarrassing. For everyone.

Unlike other dog dating apps, Humpr would give your unattached dog the opportunity to become briefly attached before resuming his/her busy day.

It doesn't have to be a party of two either. This group has been getting together every Tuesday afternoon for years.

It doesn’t have to be a party of two either. This group has been getting together every Tuesday afternoon for years now thanks to Humpr.

A premium version of Humpr includes a Smellavision feature that would allow the dog to get a sense of the scent of prospective partners. An easy swipe to the left or right is all your dog needs to find their Mr. or Mrs. Right Now.

5. Canine Compass

For some, it's just a compass. For others, it's a guide on the most important journey they'll take (until later today, that is).

For some, it’s just a compass. For others, it’s a guide on the most important journey they’ll take (until later today, that is).

As our readers will know from reading the highly informative and entertaining series Ask Barkpost Anything, dogs do their business on a north-south axis when the Earth’s magnetic field is calm. But in case your dog needs help, or wants to be extremely precise, Canine Compass will help them land a perfect poop.

Every poop should be a True North kind of poop.

Every poop should be a True North kind of poop.

6. Human GPS

This helpful doodad allows your dog to track just how close you are to home on a given day. The Human GPS app syncs up with a microchip that’s been inserted under the skin of your arm. And here’s a bonus: it’s just a simple outpatient procedure usually requiring only local anesthesia.

Easy peasy. (Plus, you can match your dog's microchip now! Cute!)

Easy peasy. (Plus, you can match your dog’s microchip now! Cute!)

This is great for those times when your dog misses you and needs to know how long until you’ll be home, or when your dog wants to know how much more time they have before you find out about…everything.

Oh good, you're home. I just finished.

Oh good, you’re home. I just finished.

7. Pup Square

Like Four Square, Pup Square allows your dog to see who’s at the dog park today using a check-in method. With this app, you and your dog can see if it’s worth going. ‘Cause if that adorable Cocker Spaniel/Poodle mix and his cute software engineer owner aren’t there, you should probably save your new dress for another day.

Not as common as you think. (At least, not without the help of this app.)

Not as common as you think. (At least, not without the help of this app.)

This app will allow you to fulfill your life-long dream of having a meet-cute at the dog park, proving to you and all your friends that romantic comedies can happen in real life!

You'll thank us when you bump into John Cusack at the dog run.

You’ll thank us when you bump into John Cusack at the dog run.

8. Whistler

Essentially the iTunes Music app for your dog, Whistler is a series of high-pitched whistles that only your dog’s finely tuned ear can hear (and enjoy).

Also a great tool if you want to confirm your suspicions about someone’s true identity.

9. CatRoulette

Only thrill-seeking adventurous pups will want this app. But for those dogs who like a good spooky spine tingle every now and then, this is sure to delight. Like its creepy human counterpart ChatRoulette, CatRoulette will pair your dog with random dogs, and then, every now and then, a completely random (and totally terrifying) cat. Just for that fleeting, stomach-swooping horror.

Your dog will toggle to a cat, see the cat, freak out, and run away. But it'll be fun.

Your dog will toggle through a bunch of dogs, then seemingly out of nowhere come face-to-face with a cat, freak out, recover, and then continue catting. It’ll be fun.

10. Canine Canary

Much like Canary, Canine Canary would allow your dog the comfort and security of a live video feed into your workplace. Your pup would enjoy judging watching you pick your nose, your wedgie, and anything else you habitually pick, you weirdo.

jim halpert cubicle
11. Rate My Poo

This poo-pendous app would allow your dog to upload photos of his business and engage in meaningful discussion with his peers.

What a tragedy it would be if this pup never got the opportunity to share this oceanside masterpiece.

What a tragedy it would be if this pup never got the opportunity to share this oceanside masterpiece.

Look, it’s nearly 2016. Some dogs even have their own website dedicated to this important matter. (No, we’re serious.) Don’t let your dog to become a noob.

12. Find My iBone

We’re not the only ones who lose stuff. Sometimes a dog can just not find that bone, treat, or toy they buried/lost/misplaced/forgot about. With Find My iBone, your pup will never have this problem again.

bones dog
13. Map My Sh*t

You thought we were done with poop. Ha! No, no. No, no, no. Map My Sh*t showcases your dog’s recent dispensaries. Not only is it a great way to boost your dog’s ego, but it can serve as a useful tool to solve territorial disputes. Simply drop a Poop Pin and the technology takes care of the rest.

This dog is clearly some sort of king.

This dog is clearly some sort of king.

14. Open Hydrant

Open Hydrant will help your dog better identify the best hydrant for him to pee on. While this app was designed with males in mind, females are encouraged to lift a leg and use it, too, if they so wish.

marnie hydrant
15. Bacon

Quite simply, the Bacon app would just tell your dog if there’s bacon around. It would allow you to change zip code and search radius as you please. Of course, we discourage feeding dogs bacon, as it’s not a healthy treat; however, this doesn’t mean that dogs wouldn’t love an app dedicated solely to the whereabouts of bacon, so it made our list (plus as a human I would appreciate this, thank you).

bacon meme use use
16. Candy Crush

Obviously this needs no explanation, since Candy Crush is the greatest game known to man and man’s best friend. Even animals lacking the ability to discern pixels, identify crucial color, or flex non-existent opposable thumbs appreciate it.

In short, it transcends, time, space, and species.

In short, it transcends, species, space and time.

And if do you end gift-less, up out of time and super-stressed on Christmas Eve, you can always just download one of these great dog apps that already exist.

Featured image via Name Blog

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