Note: These apps are for pretend. For now.
Technology makes leaps and bounds in the blink of an eye. Ten years ago, we didn’t even have smartphones, so imagine what we’ll have in ten more years (Probably really smart phones? I don’t know.) Anyway, if our love of dogs keeps pace with our love of technology, we think we’ll be seeing some apps like this in the not-too-distant future.
Here are 16 apps your dog would invent to make life even better:
Inspired by Yelp, GULP would help dogs identify local sources of delicious food including but not limited to: the best dumpsters, the most gullible neighbors, and the restaurants that regularly give out leftovers. It even has helpful reviews from other dogs, who can rate places using the industry standard five-paw system.
This Shazam-like app would identify just who in the neighborhood is howling their head off.
Pronounced just like you think, this absolutely necessary app would use the latest technology to triangulate the location of any and all nearby cats, then display them helpfully on a user-friendly map.
10 years ago, this Lo-cat-or map would have been littered with red dots. Today, Williamsburg, Brooklyn is much safer.
Dogs love to love, but not every dog is looking for a serious relationship. Some are just looking for a quick ‘n’ casual, no-strings-attached hump.
And that’s not always easy to get. But folks, these sorts of things don’t need to ever happen again:
Unlike other dog dating apps, Humpr would give your unattached dog the opportunity to become briefly attached before resuming his/her busy day.
A premium version of Humpr includes a Smellavision feature that would allow the dog to get a sense of the scent of prospective partners. An easy swipe to the left or right is all your dog needs to find their Mr. or Mrs. Right Now.
5. Canine Compass
As our readers will know from reading the highly informative and entertaining series Ask Barkpost Anything, dogs do their business on a north-south axis when the Earth’s magnetic field is calm. But in case your dog needs help, or wants to be extremely precise, Canine Compass will help them land a perfect poop.
6. Human GPS
This helpful doodad allows your dog to track just how close you are to home on a given day. The Human GPS app syncs up with a microchip that’s been inserted under the skin of your arm. And here’s a bonus: it’s just a simple outpatient procedure usually requiring only local anesthesia.
This is great for those times when your dog misses you and needs to know how long until you’ll be home, or when your dog wants to know how much more time they have before you find out about…everything.
7. Pup Square
Like Four Square, Pup Square allows your dog to see who’s at the dog park today using a check-in method. With this app, you and your dog can see if it’s worth going. ‘Cause if that adorable Cocker Spaniel/Poodle mix and his cute software engineer owner aren’t there, you should probably save your new dress for another day.
This app will allow you to fulfill your life-long dream of having a meet-cute at the dog park, proving to you and all your friends that romantic comedies can happen in real life!
Essentially the iTunes Music app for your dog, Whistler is a series of high-pitched whistles that only your dog’s finely tuned ear can hear (and enjoy).
Only thrill-seeking adventurous pups will want this app. But for those dogs who like a good spooky spine tingle every now and then, this is sure to delight. Like its creepy human counterpart ChatRoulette, CatRoulette will pair your dog with random dogs, and then, every now and then, a completely random (and totally terrifying) cat. Just for that fleeting, stomach-swooping horror.
10. Canine Canary
Much like Canary, Canine Canary would allow your dog the comfort and security of a live video feed into your workplace. Your pup would enjoy
judging watching you pick your nose, your wedgie, and anything else you habitually pick, you weirdo.
This poo-pendous app would allow your dog to upload photos of his business and engage in meaningful discussion with his peers.
12. Find My iBone
We’re not the only ones who lose stuff. Sometimes a dog can just not find that bone, treat, or toy they buried/lost/misplaced/forgot about. With Find My iBone, your pup will never have this problem again.
You thought we were done with poop. Ha! No, no. No, no, no. Map My Sh*t showcases your dog’s recent dispensaries. Not only is it a great way to boost your dog’s ego, but it can serve as a useful tool to solve territorial disputes. Simply drop a Poop Pin and the technology takes care of the rest.
14. Open Hydrant
Open Hydrant will help your dog better identify the best hydrant for him to pee on. While this app was designed with males in mind, females are encouraged to lift a leg and use it, too, if they so wish.
Quite simply, the Bacon app would just tell your dog if there’s bacon around. It would allow you to change zip code and search radius as you please. Of course, we discourage feeding dogs bacon, as it’s not a healthy treat; however, this doesn’t mean that dogs wouldn’t love an app dedicated solely to the whereabouts of bacon, so it made our list (plus as a human I would appreciate this, thank you).
Obviously this needs no explanation, since Candy Crush is the greatest game known to man and man’s best friend. Even animals lacking the ability to discern pixels, identify crucial color, or flex non-existent opposable thumbs appreciate it.
And if do you end gift-less, up out of time and super-stressed on Christmas Eve, you can always just download one of these great dog apps that already exist.