Well hi there, hello, thanks for stopping by. It’s me, Noodle.
I’ve read some of the BarkPost emails lately and frankly I am outraged- OUTRAGED- at the stuff these flashy young pups do for attention these days.
Back in my day we’d walk ten miles to the dog park, in the snow, going uphill both directions, and did we come out of it with some Instagram followers and a “zomg all the feels” must see youtube clip? No, sir!
We had common sense! You didn’t get pound-sign “all the feels.” You sniffed the same old butts at the same old park and you got a cold hard biscuit for your troubles, and you LOVED IT.
Let me show you what an honest day’s work really looks like. Here’s a photo journal of the backbreaking work I do to pay the bills and earn my kibble.
I let my human and his coworkers scratch my belly with three Portuguese back scratchers.
The glute strength I had to build up to sit for this… you kids can’t imagine.
I got belly scratched, again, at a pop-up spa with aromatherapy and candles.
And do you think that’s some namby-pamby “Misty Beach” scented candle? No sir! It’s good old fashioned “Sensuous Lavender.”
I got my flaps massaged by multiple coworkers
I’m just trying to get through the week, put in my 40 hours and my 6 massages. Punch in, punch out.
Aright, I’m gonna clock out for my daily 15. Writing this email is starting to wear me down. See ya in 15 hours.
…huh- wha- WHERE AM I?? Oh - sorry, always get a little rattled after a good nap.
Now, where was I...?
I led my team through a grueling workout session
You think you’ve ever worked out, kid? Try staying in the middle of your REM sleep when you’re bobbing up and down on a sweaty man’s back.
Honestly, it’s so much work, I had to hire a helper.
The audition was pretty demanding, but he did all right. That’s my guy Jonathan. He’s a good kid.
So as you can see, us dogs aren’t all loafers and showboats. I think it’s pretty clear I work like a log.
Anyway it took me an hour to type this, so I think I’ve earned myself another nap.