And that’s it. But knowing my buttface dog (and if yours is the same), she’d eat it and then throw up all over my new living room rug.
So because all pups deserve SOMETHING under the tree (or far away from any tree because you can’t get one because your dog would totally destroy it), here are 20 gifts to get buttface dogs for the holidays. Bonus points: these will allow you to get a little harmless revenge on your canine
whirlwind of horror biffle. And in case you don’t want to get too Count of Monte Cristo on their fuzzy butts, we’ve ranked each toy with a Wiener Neener-Neener Revenge Meter, 1 wiener being akin to signing them up for email spam lists, 5 wieners being akin to Darth Vader when he cut off Luke’s hand and then told him he was his father.
1. A toy disc with their face on it that insults them (Price: $24.99)
They can’t read, so how will they know? But the rest of the world will laugh and laugh and laugh….
2. A sprinkler fire hydrant (Price $9.55)
They sprinkle on it. It sprinkles back. #Justice
3. A laser ON THEIR COLLAR (Price $9.99)
It will drive them nuts, because they won’t be able to figure out IT’S COMING FROM THEM. (*Disclaimer my editor made me put in: “Sometimes, lasers can drive dogs too bonkers, so use the Force wisely, Luke.).
4. The talk to me treat ball (Price: $9.99)
First, it’s a toy that talks to them which will blow their little furry minds. Second, YOU CAN RECORD ANYTHING ON IT TO SAY TO THEM. Aaaaaaand let the games begin…
5. A bomb (Price: $11.99)
Not a real one, Ted Kaczynski. It’s better. It’s a toy that makes a bomb noise and gives out treats. So they can BE destructive while not BEING destructive. Everybody wins.
6. A remote control dog pal (Price: $289.00)
Give your dog an identity crisis with this toy. It will be fantastically Freudian.
7. The Teaser Ball (Price: $11.99)
The name literally has “tease” in it. So basically, it’s a toy that will annoy the heck outta your pup while also keeping them occupied for hours and hours and hours.
8. A Puzzle Toy (Price: $44.00)
It’s educational, so really, it’s for their good. It’s only a lovely side benefit it blows their furry minds.
9. A tug-o-war they can never win (Price: $49.95)
10. A slow bowl feeder (Price: $19.99)
Because instant gratification for your pup went the way of your antique vase they broke when they chose to have the zoomies at 3 a.m. in the dining room.
11. A bad dog t-shirt (Price: $22.95)
Let’s just call a spade a spade, shall we?
12. Boltwell’s B*7 Pet Emergency Kit (Price: $103.00)
Because buttface pups get themselves into situation no average doge encounters. Better be pawpared for the worst.
13. A pet rock (Price: $7.99)
How else will they learn to be responsible? Put them what you go through with them! Wait a sec…never mind. Just remembered who we’re talking about and they would eat it. Rock murderers! Scratch this one off the list then.
14. An ultrasonic dog toy (Price: $9.99)
You can’t hear it. They can, and they have no idea what’s going on. Pawesomeness achieved.
15. A Death Star ID tag with QR code (Price: $10.39)
Well, they do often go over to the Dark Side. Plus, when they decide to go on an Odyssey without your permission, they’re easily identified with any smartphone and can be returned to homebase.
16. Indestructible ball toy (Price: $12.99)
Um, it’s indestructible. They will TRY to destroy it. And then they will learn what it means to fail for the first time in their fuzzbutt lives.
17. A Love doll for humpers (Price: $208.00 (not including shipping and handling from France. It’s French. Figures.)
This is really more to save you from their overenthusiastic expressions of love (or to save your ankle. Or face. Or dining room table leg. Or strangers’ feet).
18. A doggie chill pill (Price: $7.99)
Because you can say, “TAKE your chill pill!” And maybe they will. For, like, a hot second.
19. Lumps of coal they can eat (Price $7.00)
They’re delicious treats for doges that will allow you to grin with irony and evil. Yaaassss eat that coal, EAT IT.
20. Or coal to play with (Price: $12.00)
Because then you can actually put a lump of coal in their stocking for the holidays. HA!