One of the best things about being a neutered dog living with nice humans is having zero responsibilities. All you have to do is exist, maybe accept a belly scratch or two, and be the light of your human’s eyes.
No one asks you to get a job, because no one expects you to father and support any puppies. That’s all well and good, because let’s be honest: puppies are d*cks.
This Father’s Day, there might be some barbecued snacks and a nice romp in the park, but no one is going to wish these dogs a Happy Father’s Day. And here’s why they’re so pleased about it.
1. “ALL the snacks belong to me.”
Your human might feel super guilty for taking away your nuggets and putting you in a cone, but at least you got unlimited bully sticks and freeze dried liver treats.
2. “No one asks me to close my legs in front of company.”
Grandma isn’t weirded out by a pair of balls rubbing on all her furniture, which is great when you like to nap on her favorite couch.
3. “I can be carried around like the royalty I am.”
Your gonads don’t get squished in a carrier, which is great, because being carried around by your staff human is one of those small pleasures of life that should be enjoyed.
4. “I can be friends with almost anyone.”
Humans at the dog park are more willing to let you play with their pups if you’re neutered. And no one worries that a quick romp with a ladypup will result in a litter.
5. “My cone carries twice as many toys as my mouth.”
This needs no explanation.
6. “I get to sleep in.”
No puppies pulling annoyingly on your collar tags, no one chewing on your ear, no one having to go out every three hours to pee. And the house is blissfully poop and pee free.
7. “I have less chances of getting testicular cancer.”
According to the Humane Society, the chances of a neutered dog getting testicular cancer are way lower than they are for dogs left intact. Makes sense, because how can you get cancer in your berries if all you’ve got is a twig?
8. “I don’t feel the need to tinkle on my human’s favorite furniture anymore.”
Because that’s no way to live in harmony with humans.
9. “I only hump things I really like.”
No more wasting energy humping every human leg I spot in my house. I’m saving myself for The One.
10. “I can sleep soundly knowing a puppy will never ‘accidentally’ step on my nuts.”
Unafraid to rock out with my red rocket out whenever and wherever I want.
11. “No one interrupts my walks to ask my human if they’ll breed me.”
Seriously, the days of being asked to impregnate someone’s ladypup are over, which is great because that’s super creepy. #nomeansno
12. “I can wear whatever I want.”
Onesies, dog jeans, tuxedos, Speedos. Everything fits, and nothing gives you a moose knuckle.
13. “I’ll always be my human’s little puppy.”
There won’t be any puppies vying for your human’s attention, leaving her free to spoil you forever.