I’m Digby Van Winkle and the New Zealand Gov’t Did Something Horrible To Me
Ladies, gentleman, esteemed pups– My name is Digby Van Winkle, and I am running for Prime Minister of the Interwebz.
If you don’t know me, I’m a dog from New Zealand. And I love treats…a lot. Which is why I was so excited to receive my Spring Barkbox! When it arrived at my doorstep (late), Alo and I barked and barked (which must have scared the mailman because he dropped the box and got straight back into his van). We’re very good boys like that.
Anyway, the humans came home at their usual time after my poor box sat out in the rain for HOURS (I’ve had a little talk to them about that, don’t worry) and they gave it to me. It seemed a little light but I thought nothing of it. I opened it, and at first didn’t notice the letter (those chicken liver treats are AMAZING. Seriously, you need Barkbox in your life). But after I sampled the treats, I got to reading.
Are you KIDDING me? Turns out the government doesn’t think that Bully Sticks are acceptable.
“I can’t begin to describe my rage.”
So. I put in a call to my pal Brutus, he works as a sniffer dog for the international mail center. He said, “Boss, I’m sorry. I saw your package and my tail wagged and wagged. I couldn’t help but sit and paw at it. The mail humans saw it and took the package from me, and opened it. I whined and cried and tried to get them to stop but it was no use. The took the bully sticks, Digby. Please, don’t be mad.”
“NOBODY TAKES MY BULLY STICK AND GETS AWAY WITH IT.”
But I was mad. I was FURIOUS. For too long the long paw of the government has kept our treats locked away behind bureaucratic doggie gates. For too long New Zealand’s proud, noble pups have struggled for treats. We sit, we stay, we speak, and what do we get? Stolen treats and beat up BarkBoxes? I say to you, ENOUGH.
“ENOUGH!”
Fellow dogs, you may have heard on that big black box that there’s an election this year to pick a new Prime Minister of New Zealand and thought “I need that gig.” But again then I started thinking big – why not run for Prime Minister of the Interwebz? There’s more people on it. More power. More treats.
“Paw-wer and class. Those are my middle names. Fitting for a Prime Minister, eh?”
So, here are my paw-licies and promises. I hope you’ll follow me.
1. No bully stick, bacon, or treat shall ever be withheld from any pup.
2. No more dogs imprisoned. No dog shall live in a shelter or pound, all families must allow a canine companion to live in their home until all pups have a warm bed, a friendly human and food in their bellies.
3. Bacon. Free bacon for all pups.
4. I promise not to poop in my office, on the rug or on the human’s bed. Pooping will only happen outside with no-one trying to make eye contact with me.
5. I will be friendly to all humans, unless the have a beard and/or hat. Then they’re just asking for it.
6. Aloysius will never be bullied by the bigger dogs. I got your back, bro.
Please help me with this campaign. Use the hashtag #digbyforpm on any and all social media posts. Each like counts for one vote, so get voting! Together we will walk paw in paw into a brighter future.
Thank you, and Dog bless you. And please follow me on Instagram.
