However, as we’ve gotten to know Gilly better, things have definitely soured. My complaints are quickly multiplying; I add about half a dozen grievances to my “Ugh! Gilly is the WORST” list everyday. In fact, my hostility has festered to such an unsafe level that I think it’s finally time for me to let you know the truth. Here are 12 Reasons My German Shepherd/Collie Mix isn’t the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
1. Her paws are so floppy.
2. Her teeth look like “tiny-size” chiclets. Everyone knows that chiclets are the most useless of chewing gums.
3. When she’s not smiling, she is doing her “super unoriginal” Gene Simmons impression. It’s so bad. It’s literally an embarrassment to all.
4. She thinks she better than me because of how effortlessly she pull off a cute handkerchief around her neck. She’s completely ruined my favorite accessory.
5. She’s the WORST guard dog. Look, this vicious little fluffer is hard core flirting with me and Gilly just lets it happen.
6. Plus, her partying is out of control. She’s always drunk. She never knows when to stop.
7. SERIOUSLY. She refuses to go out unless she knows there will be alcohol there.
8. She’s almost too nice. She probably the biggest push-over I’ve ever met in my life. She let’s me dress her up however I darn well please and she doesn’t even stand up for herself when I make her look like a dumb idiot.
9. My home decor is so one dimensional now. The walls are just covered in Gilda’s likeness.
10. When we perform as our improv duo “Dingus,” she totally unleashes her inner DIVA. She won’t let me get a word in edgewise before the audience is giggling and “d’awww-ing” over her. Her need for attention is so sad.
11. Her strict adherence to gender norms really gets me miffed. The bows she wore in her hair for St. Paddy’s Day illustrate her blatant disregard toward the feminism movement and what women have spent years fighting to achieve. She CLEARLY hates women and wants them to suffer or something.
12. Lastly, she has zero boundaries.
In summation, adopting a dog was the worst decision I have ever made in my life. Seriously, if you’re thinking about adopting a dog, don’t do it. Take it from me: Not only do I not enjoy Gilda’s companionship, she doesn’t brighten my day in the least. Quite honestly, she isn’t even cute to look at. Heed my advice. It’s too late for me. I am stuck with this doofy witch.