Dogs are famously good judges of character, as any dog owner can attest. You may think your next-door neighbor is a swell guy, but when your dog growls at him out of the blue, you know something is up. Below, you’ll find the testimony of some pups who have seen through one man’s mask of sanity, and have had enough. Oh sure, he may be dreamy, and yes, Magic Mike was a non-stop thrill ride of surging abs, but take it from these dogs: Channing Tatum is a bad, bad man.
1. He doesn’t pay his debts.
“Tatum? Haven’t seen him around here in… oh I dunno, near about 3 years. And good riddance to him! That skin flint still owes me three grand and a new barn door.”
2. He wrecks homes.
“You wanna go, Tatum? Alright, let’s go, G.I. Schmo. SHE WAS MY WIFE, TATUM. SHE WAS MY WIFE!”
3. He’s had his day in court.
“Oh sure, when we’re in court, he’s all like ‘Ow my neck.’ He kept sitting there with that stupid neck brace, wincing all day. And the Judge bought it! That rat fink rear ends me, and I’m stuck with the bill. And three days later, who do I see at Jamba Juice, throwing his head back and laughing? That’s right. Channing Tatum. Emotional damages? I’ll show him emotional damages.”
4. He’s got a bridge to sell you.
“He tricked me. Are you happy? Yeah, he tricked me, alright! I said it. Look, a timeshare sounds awesome on paper. And then he hit me with those high-pressure sales tactics, and those soulful green eyes, and… shut up. Don’t judge me.”
5. He’s playing games with your heart.
“Don’t leave me like this. I’m knocking on the door of your heart, Channing. WHY WON’T YOU LET ME IN?!”‘
6. He’s a man transformed by the drink.
“You see this? Do you SEE this? He did this. Of course he did. He always gets like this when he drinks. ‘I’m not letting you in when you’re drunk, Channing’ is what I said. And he just kept banging on the door. And now look at it! I called the police, but when they showed up they just wanted his autograph. ‘I loved you in 22 Jump Street, Mr. Tatum.’ Groupies disgust me. Now grab a trash bag, unless your plan is to just stand there and watch me clean this mess myself.”
7. He can’t keep his hands to himself.
“God, I just feel so… dirty. I can’t wash him off of me, it feels like. I just. Can’t. Get. Clean. What kind of monster pets a dog after eating cotton candy? I’ll tell you: the exact type of monster that stars in Jupiter Ascending. Channing. Tatum. I hope he rub a dub dubs in hell.
8. He catches all the breaks.
“It’s not fair. I mean, look at me! I would have been a great Duke Orsino. But noooooo! He just has to show up at auditions, and now his name is right next to Amanda Bynes’s on the poster. He completely ruined “She’s The Man.” 14 dog years, I’ve been trying to catch my break, and it finally comes, and BAM. Channing Tatum, destroyer of dreams. You’re not the Man, Channing. You’re just not.”
9. He doesn’t respect personal space.
“He pooped on my couch.”
10. He delights in torment.
“I loved this pillow. It was my favorite pillow. I offered to share it with him, and then he just took it and started shredding it with his bare hands. He kept looking at me and giggling. He liked it! He knew it was important to me, and he destroyed it anyway. Why would he do that to me?”
11. He is a thief (and a graceful dancer).
“In 2002, I redeemed a coupon for a personal trainer while I was in Los Angeles. My training session starts, and my trainer and I get to talking. You know how it is. ‘What do you do for work?’ So anyway, long story short, I tell him I’m working on a screenplay. He gets really interested, his eyes light up, and he asks me all about it. Next thing I know, he’s stolen my idea, and he’s making millions. That trainer’s name? Channing Tatum. And the movie? Step Up 2: the Streets.”
12. He is exuberantly inconsiderate.
“Didn’t we all agree that pushing people into pools is off-limits? I mean, christ, my iPhone is totally dead. That bag of rice might as well be full of wishful thinking. It’s not 1950, Channing! Everyone has electronics in their pockets! It’s not even hot outside.”
13. He isn’t there for you.
“Hello? Heelllloooo? Channing? Are you there Channing? This isn’t funny anymore. Let me down now, it’s been at least an hour. C’mon, Channing. I need to use the bathroom. Hello? Anyone?”