I love my dog. There. I said it. Priscilla, my sweet Golden Retriever is, in my opinion, the best dog in the universe. There. I said that, too. And, as I am sure all of you other dog lovers out there can relate to, I spend a lot of time thinking about my dog. I wonder what she thinks about, what she dreams about, what places and events she would like to visit if she suddenly found herself transformed into a Godzilla-sized dog. What kind of treats are her favorite? What time of day is the best for – what’s that? Go back to the Godzilla thing? Okay.
So, in this scenario, my sweet Priscilla suddenly finds herself much bigger than she already is, which is a comfortable 75 pounds (Do girl dogs object to you discussing their weight?). How does this miraculous growth occur. Let’s just say magic kibble. It’s always magic kibble. And I am not kidding when I say that it makes her bigger. And not Tom Hanks big. Think really big. Then think bigger. If only I had some sort of convenient info graphic to illustrate what I’m talking about.
So there you have it. Of course, now that Priscilla has been transformed into the colossal beast that we shall hereafter refer to as “Priszilla,” a veritable plethora of questions come to mind. What does she think about? What does she dream about? What part of this country would serve as a suitable dog park for Priszilla to romp and play without causing undo harm and panic to the population? I think that the answer to that question is obvious.
Officially known as Groom Lake or Homey Airport, this remote detachment of Edwards Air Force Base is the perfect playground for my hulking hound. And, best of all, this secluded spot can solve another potential problem – what exactly is a suitable toy for a dog of such enormity? Why, another obvious answer! Any of the (alleged) UFOs (allegedly) housed at this location would make a perfect frisbee for my Priszilla to play with, making this top secret facility the perfect playground for my pampered pooch.
Regular sized Priscilla has a gift; she can find the smallest, stinkiest puddle of water, no matter where we are, and will then roll herself in it. She is like a divining rod for bog water. So, why should Priszilla be any different? Well, dear reader, she is not! And, what is the perfect puddle for this dino-dog?
La Brea Tar Pits
“No! Priszilla! That’s not dirty water! THAT’S TAR!” But Priszilla either does not hear my warning or does not care.
Located in urban Los Angeles and surrounded by Hancock Park, these tar pits have seeped up from the ground for tens of thousands of years, so you can only imagine how she would smell after a roll in these. Throw in animal bones that have been trapped and preserved over the centuries and this makes it a must visit location.
But, this last excursion leaves us with a problem – one, ginormous, filthy dog. And that will not do. Priszilla must have a bath! But where? What location can possibly serve as a tub to clean her?
With that, we are off to Niagara Falls, a vacation destination for lovers. And this dog loves water! Getting her cleaned up under 100,000 cubic feet per second of water will have her spic and span in no time.
“Oh no! Priszilla! That is not a toy! That is the Maid in the Mist! Drop that boat now!”
Well, now that she is all cleaned up, one of her favorite holidays is approaching. It is time for her to get her Halloween costume together! Her costumes are rarely frightening, but almost always confusing. And this year shall be no different! Priszilla elects to show off her patriotic side by dressing up as one of her favorite presidents. With that, it is off to her next location…
Nevermind how she could come by a dog costume in her size, Mount Rushmore is the perfect spot for Priszilla to pose as her favorite president. But who has the courage to tell her that there has never been a President Bumblebee?
After a bath and some relaxing costume photo-ops, this dog is ready to play again. But where can she find toys of an appropriate size? Well, this dog loves people and really loves her stuffed toys. Given the time of year, her next destination should not be a surprise.
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
“Priszilla! NO! Those are not squeak toys!” Poor Kermit was the first to go. Unfortunately, she mistakes the screams of the crowd for the pleasing squeals of giant toys. This is one parade that will not end well.
Phew! All of this fun leaves a giant dog thirsty. After chasing the Santa float like a festive squirrel, where can she get a refreshing bowl of water? Well, she is already in New York, so it is off to…
The Guggenheim Museum
“Priszilla! That is not a giant water bowl! Oh no!”
Oh yes, that unique structure is getting a visitor that has no care for visiting hours or dog restrictions. Bye-bye, priceless works of art!
Such excitement. Priszilla is ready to celebrate the holidays. And where shall she do so? No place will do except for the most magical place on earth. Or someplace really close to it.
YAY! It’s Christmas! Priszilla wants a present! Priszilla loves presents! Well, how about one giant, shiny tennis ball? That will do quite nicely!
“Priszilla! That’s not a tennis ball! That’s Epcot Cen- oh, forget about it. Good girl. You have fun.”
After such an epic adventure, I wonder how we can get Priszilla back down to normal Priscilla size. Oh, yeah. The obvious answer, of course. I feed her Tom Hanks (after feeding him some magic kibble).