14 Gifts Your Dog Doesn’t Want For Christmas

14 Gifts Your Dog Doesn’t Want For Christmas

For us humans, holiday gag gifts and Aunt Terry’s off-the-list denim delights are usually worth it just for the laughs — especially anything with rhinestones or phallic undertones. But for our earnest doggies who start their advent calendars in January, it’s just plain rude. Since they can’t speak for themselves, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to tell you what they would say about the worst gifts you could give them this Christmas.

1. A custom pillow with your face on it

“Frankly, in those lonely hours, after all the presents have been unwrapped and all the Christmas lights have been taken down, I just don’t trust myself not to hump you raw.”

2. A pacifier


“I know I’ll regret saying this. But Dude. Just have a baby. I can hear your biological clock ticking from over here.”

3. Butt covers

Rear Gear

“You’ve always said I had beautiful eyes, so why would you go and hide my third and best? Though the application process does intrigue me…”

4. Dog perfume

Sexy Beast Perfume

“It’s hard work getting my signature peanut butter-dirt-wet hair-wet fart scent to stick, and then you’re gonna go and cover it all up with perfume? HOW WILL OTHER DOGS EVEN KNOW WHO I AM??”

5. Doggy high chair

High Char

“Seriously? Are you ovulating, like, right this second? What’s next, you gonna breastfeed me?”

6. Doggles

REAL doggles

“Cool, thanks. And I’ll just get you a short-sleeved, button-down shirt with flames on it.”

7. A fence window

Pet Peek Window

“Maybe the meanest gift of them all. Why not go all out and put a juicy rump roast and a bitch in heat on the other side?”

8. Poop freeze aerosol spray


“Unless you’re freezing my piles to preserve them for, say, the Louvre, I want NO part of this.”

9. Vibrating massage mitt
Mitt Massager

“I know damn well this isn’t for me.”

10. Screaming chicken

Chicken Toy

“This thing is as overplayed as Chris Harrison’s face.”

11. People crackers

People Crackers

“I mean, I don’t know, don’t you feel weird about this, too?”

12. Snuggie for dogs

“Why you gotta bring me down with you?”

12. Pet petter

Pet Petter

“Just gotta pack up a few things and I’ll be out of your hair. Really sorry for ever suggesting you TOUCH ME.”

12. Poop trap


“Please just look at that photo.”

13. Hot doll

Hot Doll

“Talk about mixed messages. I mean, look at the confusion on that poor dog’s face. Can we hump things or not?”

14. A fur coat
Fur Coat

“You ever seen Silence of the Lambs? That scene when Hannibal Lecter walks around wearing another person’s face? Ya, that’s you.”