There are hundreds of articles out there to prep you for the Super Bowl, yet I feel all of them are missing a crucial piece of insight. None of them, not a ONE, match the football players in the Super Bowl to their dog counterpart. What the HECK, SHREK?! “How am I supposed to watch this mother-puppin thing if I don’t know if Cam Newton is a Bernese Mountain Dog or Weimaraner?,” you scream futilely at your very confused friends. Lucky for you I’m one of the few people out there that can’t help but watch football and think, “Man, is Joe Flacco a Schnauzer…or is a Schnauzer Joe Flacco?”
People are going to be throwing around stat’s left and right at these dangus parties. You know what they won’t be saying when Greg Olsen scores a TD though? “Typical Brussels Griffon.” Except you after reading this article. You, like me, can be that weirdo. Embrace it.
Peyton Manning – Chihuahua
What’s the first thing you think about when some says: Peyton Manning? Hall of Fame Quarterback? 55 TD’s in a season? Papa John’s?! Or is it that glorious…glorious forehead. Rumor has it that Denver Broncos Head Coach Gary Kubiak will often draw up plays directly on that behemoth when a clipboard just isn’t big enough. When I think foreheads, I think Chihuahua’s. Look at that cranial cutie! His eyes are the same size as Peyton’s when he sees Demaryius Thomas wide open in the end zone. This isn’t just about matching players to dogs by look however, it’s also about personality. Chihuahua’s are lively, devoted and super alert. Peyton Manning is still playing football at 39-year’s old! Also, have you seen him try to avoid a sack lately? Now watch this Chihuahua dance and tell me you don’t see the similarities.
Von Miller – Shetland Sheepdog
People know Von Miller by the pain he inflicts on QB’s almost as much as they know him by his post-sack celebrations. Did you know that when he’s done with the NFL however, he wants to start his own farm for organic chickens? And have a live feed broadcast at all times to assure that his chickens are “happy chickens”? So we’re talking a sack machine, with a heart of gold who loves to dance? Strong, smart, affectionate and playful? Wait, are we talking about Shetland Sheepdogs? If we’re talking about Shetland Sheepdogs, I’m ready to party. Who cares if those pups are about 5 feet shorter than Von Miller, they still know how to get after it.
Brock Osweiler – Siberian Husky
A lot of people seem to think Brock Osweiler looks like Robert Pattinson. Psh, Pattinson played a vampire, my boy BROCK (can’t say that name without either sounding like a bro or a Pokémon trainer) is a friggin WOLF! Well, not necessarily a wolf, but close enough. Huskies are tenacious, outgoing pack leaders. Sure, Brock Osweiler may be backing up Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl and Huskies don’t…generally back up Chihuahua’s BUT Huskies do rise to the occasion which is exactly what Osweiler did when he led the Broncos to a 5-3 record in Peyton “Chihuahua” Manning’s absence.
Emmanuel Sanders – Jack Russell Terrier
Don’t let Emmanuel Sanders size fool you. He may be undersized for a receiver at 5’10” but he still has the courage to risk his body by trying to make plays in the middle of the field. Let’s not forget he’s also explosive off the line of scrimmage. Explosive like this…and like this….and like this! You bet your butt you just clicked on three straight Jack Russell Terrier .gif’s. Or were they Emmanuel Sanders gif’s…WELCOME TO MY AMAZING PARALLEL UNIVERSE OF A LIFE!
Demaryius Thomas – Border Collie
Border collie’s are just freaking amazing. They can do anything! Not only are they arguably the smartest dog breed out there, but they’re also agile, fast, and frickin’ cute as can be. Now Demaryius Thomas may not be as cute as a Border Collie – actually, he’s a pretty handsome devil – he’s definitely just as smart, just as agile and man oh man is that dude fast – he runs a 40 yard dash in under 4.38 seconds. I wonder what he can do with a Frisbee…
Cam Newton – Weimaraner
Now I don’t know if this is going to make you like Cam Newton more or like Weimaraner’s less but these two are a match made in heaven. I feel like a lot of football fans have a love/hate relationship with Newton. Is he an egotistical jerk who dabs too much? Or a selfless down-to-earth player, always ready to hand out a football to a kid? Maybe we’re missing the point altogether. Maybe he’s a Wiemaraner. No, no come with me on this journey here for a second. Weimaraner’s are prideful, it’s true but they’re also super alert, and really fast with a hell of a lot of energy. Now doesn’t that make Cam Newton seem even cooler?
Greg Olsen – Brussels Griffon
Ok, ok, ok! You caught me, alright! I just think Greg Olsen looks like a Brussels Griffon! Sure, Brussel Griffon’s are tiny, while Olsen is a monster – but their hairdos and energy levels, they are truly identical. I know, I KNOW Greg is looking a lot more clean-shaven nowadays but you can’t shave away what’s inside of you, and that’s a damn Brussels Griffon.
Ted Ginn Jr. – Greyhound
Greyhound’s and Ted Ginn Jr. have one undeniable thing in common: Speed. Both the Panthers WR and the Greyhound are like unfathomably fast. Ginn Jr. was actually a track and field star in high school before making the switch over to football. At the NFL combine, he ran the 40 yard dash at a blazingly fast, clockin in at 4.28 seconds! Greyhounds however, can reach speeds of up to 43 miles per hour. 43 MILES PER HOUR. So in a foot race between these two stars, it’s pretty undeniable who would beat whom.
Josh Norman – Boxer
If you’ve ever played with a Boxer, you know that they have some serious, basketball-player-like ups. I mean look how high this pupster jumps out of sheer excitement just to go outside! Well that’s how excited Josh Norman gets when he’s about to intercept a ball. Josh Norman, just like the dog he is, has some serious jumping ability. I mean you can barely see him intercept the ball in that .gif because he jumped out of the frame of the camera! While Norman definitely has the Boxer beat in the crazy hair-cut department, their ability to soar to new heights will forever make them kindred pup-human spirits.
Luke Kuechly – German Shepherd
Handsome. Smart. Alert. Confident. Keuchly? Shepherd? BOTH! Man, what I wouldn’t give to see a buddy-cop film starring these two. Their on-screen chemistry would be pawtastic. Until that happens, we’ll just have to settle for watching Kuechly rack up the sacks against the Broncos, and videos of this adorable German Shepherd racking the sacks up against his own shadow.