Editor’s Note: At some point, a dog sniffs a crotch one too many times, and action must be taken. Below is the result:
1 Crotch Court
12 April 2016
RE: Cease and desist for the egregious sniffing of Complainant’s Crotch, issued against Perpetrator, Dog
This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER is to inform you that your PERSISTENT ACTIONS in regards to MY CROTCHAL REGION have become intolerable and untenable. Your consistent conduct vis-à-vis my crotch — showing uncontrollable interest in my crotch, smelling my crotch, and generally just really getting up in my crotch — is inappropriate and unbecoming of an otherwise pleasant and well-trained canine.
Regardless of your intent, your actions in “my area” have significant consequences, of which I will now outline below:
I can only speak for my crotch, and so I will. When you sniff my crotch, several upsetting results occur: First, I feel very embarrassed. Secondly, everyone else in the room naturally ends up staring at me and my crotch. Third, and most important, everyone in the room is now thinking about my crotch.
While it’s true that we’ve all got crotches, I do not need you to single mine out, and certainly not in front of others. Because literally everyone is thinking about my crotch right now, including whoever else may or may not be reading this. (I swear, Dog, if you put this on the Internet… Just don’t. Do not do that. Do not! Bad dog!)
Perhaps you think that sniffing my crotch will signal to potential mates that I have a unique crotch, one worthy of interest and a good, strong sniff. Perhaps you feel I should find your interest in my crotch flattering. Perhaps, even, you think I should be grateful to you.
And sure, maybe in some weird way, I am oddly flattered that you find my crotch so irresistible. But it’s also awkward AF. Because unlike you and your dog friends, humans do not consider a smelly crotch a good thing. As a result, your interest in my crotch suggests to other nearby humans that I have a strong-smelling crotch, or, smelly crotch, which is officially not good for my love life.
I have already experienced the weight of your actions. Recall two Sundays ago at the dog park. I finally got up the nerve to talk to Cute Mets Guy, that attractive human who owns the Beagle and always wears the Mets hat. You know, Cute Mets Guy. The conversation was going well, and you were busy playing with the Beagle. Sure enough, just as things were going somewhere interesting, you emerged out of nowhere and launched your face at my nether region, and I had to decide if I should acknowledge to a stranger that a dog’s face is buried in my crotch, or just keep talking about the salad bar at Whole Foods as if nothing weird is happening.
Also, sometimes you run full speed into my crotch, essentially smashing into it, and it hurts like a b-tch. As a female, I can only imagine how this must feel for males, although I assume it is akin to a vicious punch to the yabbos, except much worse.
Further to this, it is not just my crotch that you have so consistently harassed. You have repeatedly, and without regard for others, sought out the crotchal areas of nearly everyone in my life: Complete Strangers. Friends. Family. And who could forget poor Grandma. That was one of the worst Christmases we’ve had. And that’s saying something, because we both know there have been some bad ones in this family.
I will see you in a few minutes when it’s time for your dinner and walk.
P.S. Full disclosure: I wore a dress today and I recently went to the bathroom. Despite these two pieces of information, I truly hope you will behave in a considerate manner.
P.P.S. Also I overslept this morning and did not have time to shower. Please do not allow this to affect your ability to respect my boundaries.
Name of Dog