15 Conversations Everyone Has Had With Their Dog… In Their Heads

Dogs are made of fur, snark and sass. Mostly sass. Seriously. We love them, but maybe it’s for the best they don’t talk much. If they did, they’d be worse than the casts of Sex & the City, Friends and any of the Real Housewives of whatever county — combined. Here are 15 conversations most of us have had with our dogs…even though they (thankfully) didn’t respond.

1.

Me: Just because you can fit the cat’s whole head in your mouth doesn’t mean you should.
Dog: But the cat looks delicious.
Me: You already had dinner.
Dog: …no, I didn’t.
Me: Get the cat’s head out of your mouth.

2.

Me: Stop eating the grass.
Dog: It tastes SOOOO good!
Me: You’ve eaten more salad than I have in 2016 and it’s making me feel bad.
Dog: You should try it!
Me: Whatever, just don’t puke on the carpet when we get home.

3.

Me: I see that you have eaten all but three pairs of my underwear.
Dog: I love cotton. But I have some lace stuck in my teeth. Halp, please!
Me: Ugh, fine. Open your mouth.
Dog: So……..how mad are you?
Me: Not very.
Dog: Really?
Me: I needed new ones anyway.
Dog: GET THE COTTON KIND.

4.

Me: Back at the window, huh?
Dog: Yep.
Me: Anything exciting?
Dog: Grrrrrrrr……..
Me: That’s a guy on a skateboard.
Dog: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….
Me: You realize you’re not Neighborhood Watch, right?
Dog: Please don’t ruin my dreams. I need this.

5.

Dog: This one. I’ve chosen this tree.
Me: Are you sure?
Dog: Yeah.
Me: You said that about the last one.
Dog: Nope. This one’s it. I think. I just gotta smell…
Me: …….Okay. I’m dizzy. Nine loops around The Pooping Tree is enough.
Dog: Just one more lap.

6.

Dog: What. Is. That. Smell?
Me: Uhhh…nothing.
Dog: Don’t lie to me.
Me: Fine. You caught me. Chester came into work today. I petted him.
Dog: How could you?!
Me: He means nothing to me, I swear!
Dog: Don’t touch me.

7.

Me: Do you know how early it is?
Dog: NOPE!
Me: It’s too early for this.
Dog: Get up! Get up! Get up! FEED ME!
Me: Why don’t you have opposable thumbs so you can bring me coffee?
Dog: I can bring you an empty box of cereal from the trash. Does that count?
Me: …..
Dog: I’ll go get it.

8.

Me: Why do all of my friends have cute selfies with their dogs, but I don’t?
Dog: Okay, okay, I’ll sit still.
Me: Promise?
Dog: Yes–OH LOOK, A LADYBUG!
Me: Damn it.

9.

Dog: Why is your bed so much more comfortable than mine?
Me: Because I’ve seen you sleep on a sidewalk. Does it matter?
Dog: Yep! This is mine now!

10.

Me: Have you seen the remote?
Dog: I think I’m lying on it. But if you move too much, I’ll wake up and need to poo.
Me: You can’t wait until morning?
Dog: No.
Me: Okay, guess we’re watching more Say Yes to the Dress.
Dog: Yes! I love Randy.

11.

Me: Don’t freak out, but a new person is coming over tonight.
Dog: Oh. So that’s why you’re making better food than usual.
Me: Yeah, none of it is for you.
Dog: You’re gonna give me some.
Me: No, I’m not.
Dog: Yeah, you are. Or I’m gonna excitement-pee aaalllll over your new boyfriend!
Me: Ugh, fine, but only the appetizer.
Dog: AND DESSERT

12.

Me: Okay, I’ve got to go to work!
Dog: NOOOOO
Me: What do you want to watch on TV today?
Dog: DON’T LEAVE MEEEEE
Me: Paw Patrol or Pit Bulls and Parolees? Pick one.
Dog: YOU DON’T LOVE MEEEEE
Me: Paw Patrol it is. See you when I get home! Love you!
Dog: Don’t expect this place to be clean when you get back.

13.

Me: I’m not sure if having you around is better or worse than having a kid.
Dog: Wait. You’re not my mom?!
Me: Yeah…no…wait! It’s not like that!
Dog: I’M ADOPTED?!

14.

Me: I know you can’t read, but that sign says not to pee here.
Dog: But I want to.
Me: But you shouldn’t.
Dog: I’m going to.
Me: Nope, come on.
Dog: Either I do it here, or I walk and pee.
Me: Yolo. Go for it.

15.

Dog: Hi, other dog! I’m showing you my belly because I’m submissive. I also think you’re cute.
Me: Geez, stop flirting. Have some self-respect.
Dog:I NEED A MAN.