Hey, Sport. I hear you’re going on a date with my mom. Well, high paw, man. My mom RULES.
1. Don’t jump up on her when you first greet her, I know you’re excited (how could you not be) but it’s a little much.
3. She hates whining, begging, and leg humping.
4. Oh, and I know my mom is the ultimate catch, and you’re gonna wanna lock that down STAT, but definitely don’t start marking your territory. I can not stress enough how mad she’ll be if you start peeing on her.
6. And if you want her to scratch behind your ears, just subtly put your head on her lap and stare intently. Do not break eye contact. She’s smart as a whip-pet, and she’ll get the hint eventually.
9. You’re only allowed in her bed if she invites you. You’ll know she’s inviting you when she pats the bed, and says “come up” in a high pitched voice. She’ll help you get up if you need it.
10. Most importantly, my mom is the teets. I would do anything for that woman, so treat her like the dog damn queen she is, ya heard!?
And if you ignore these tips and tricks and treats, well, hasta la Vizsla, bonehead. It’s the dog house for you.
11. Oh, and also, you’re not my real dad.