So, you’re seeing someone. Not seeing someone like I “see” the mailman outside the window or like I “see” that thing that makes the noise that you NEVER back me up on…. no, you’re dating. You’re dating someone new and you think they’re totally fetch. Well, sorry to break it to you, but they’re not. They’re shady as a tree squirrel and I, your dog, am here to tell you why…
1. Speaking of that noise, I heard it last night while he was over (the night we usually watch Animal Planet, but, whatever.) Did he bark with me? No. Did he look out the window to see what the pup was going on? No. You need pawtection and he doesn’t cut it.
2. When you first meet someone, you need to sniff ‘em out to make sure they’re good people. Specifically, in the butt. It’s just how things are done. Your new boo didn’t even attempt a whiff when you two first met.
3. I was also there for your first kiss… and I don’t know how to break it to you, but… he kept his eyes closed the whole time. That’s just creepy.
4. Speaking of which, he’s always looking around. At the paper. At his phone. At the game. Everywhere but where he actually should be looking: at you. Constantly. You know, like I do.
5. We’re a team. Teams stick together whether it’s at the dog park or when you go to the bathroom. I haven’t seen him follow you into the bathroom even once. Doesn’t sound like a team player.
6. And when you were cooking she didn’t even seem that excited to eat the food! She didn’t wait by the table, do a little dance or look you in the eyes to show her appreciation.
7. To make matters worse, when dinner was finally ready, not only did she eat all the green stuff, but there was definitely some meat left on that chicken bone…
8. Everyone knows that a wet nose is a sign of good health… and her nose is dry. Bone dry. I wasn’t sure if I should tell you this, but sometimes I see her powder it to make it even drier! What is that about?!
9. When we’re driving, she rolls the window up so it doesn’t “ruin her hair.” She’s got it all wrong. The messier the hair, the better the car ride.
10. He’s dirty. I don’t know if his grooming situation, but I’ve never seen him lick himself. Not once.
11. I know a thing or two about loyalty. Believe me when I say we can’t trust where her loyalties lie after she fed that squirrel at the park last week. We chase squirrels, not feed them… anyone who doesn’t understand that is just plain nuts.
12. Ok, fine, you think is a non-issue? Well, he has a cat. If that’s not a grey flag, I don’t know what is.