Our intrepid reporters got the inside scoop on exactly what your dog does while you’re at work. You know, besides playing with his imaginary friends, then denying it as soon as you get home.
1. Your dog reads O magazine and doggy-ears the most inspiring
2. Your dog moves half of your furniture, half an inch to the right… every day. YOU GOT PUNK’D!
3. Your dog tries to make the recipes from The Rachel Ray Show, but doesn’t get far because he’s not allowed to use the stove without parental supervision – plus you know, no opposable thumbs etc.
4. Your dog poops in the toilet. Yeah… this whole “going on the street and occasionally in your shoes” thing… all a ruse.
5. Your dog dances like no one’s watching, because he saw a teenager’s obnoxious #quotagram that suggested to do that, and it really made him think.
6. Your dog tries out the Kondo technique on his toys, but decides a little clutter is good for his creativity.
7. Your dog works on the first draft of your memoir, because he already wrote his own, and it was optioned for a movie starring Sandra Bullock, but she turned it down, and the whole thing kinda fell through and now it’s stuck in Hollywood limbo.
8. Your dog hacks into Sandra Bullock’s computer and tries to destroy her life a la the ’90s classic The Net.
9. Your dog does some light gardening.
10. Your dog gets depressed contemplating the state of the world, his own role as a small speck in our universe, and the unbearable lightness of being…
11. …Then your dog gets really happy because he remembers he’s a dog and life is amazing, and ball machines are amazing, and the unbearable lightness of being is just a book, but most importantly… because you’ll be home soon! Yaaaaaay! DOGS!