Welcome to Bark After Dark, a series of hilarious but slightly unusual articles we post in the wee hours of the morning for you
weirdos night owls. Not for the faint of heart, weak of stomach, or low of humor. Enjoy!
As far as canine massage demonstrations go, this one is….relaxing? Sexy? Cryptic? Yo no se.
But whatever, this lady appears to be the most talented masseuse/magician in the history of time. Either that, or the bed sheet those two stuffed animals are lying on is doused in chloroform because these. dogs. don’t. move. Well, ok, the spindly gent on your left jerks his head up a few times, presumably to evaluate some SBD’s, (and we also see what appears to be his O-face around 3:50), but that Golden? That Golden runs on batteries. Either that or she’s the canine equivalent of the person who’s invited to join a threesome, then shows up against her better judgment and is forced to sit in the corner and watch the other two molest each other the whole time. Or worse, forced to sit literally inches away from them and not watch.
But back to me. By the time the “freestyle” massage starts in at around 0:40, (give or take 7 hours, cuz really, who knows, NOT ME), I’m in a full-on trance. When she starts kneading the skin between his toes? 100% passed out, drooling all over my computer. I come to at 3:18, however, just in time to see the indisputable climax of the demonstration, the Kate-and-Leo-at-the-helm-of-The-Titanic moment: the languorous tail stroke. It’s a thing of beauty, and it makes me wish I had a longer tail. I can overlook annoying moments such as when the “narrator,” aka Sergeant Buzzkill, starts saying things like “jostle the neck” and “sternohyoid” because when all is said and done, this video has inspired me to get a professional massage, give a dog a professional massage, and take a tranquilizer to the face, whichever comes first. And for that, I am grateful.