We’ve all been there. Put in a social situation where we have to rely on charm and wit… only to confront the fact, time and again, that we’re pathetic excuses for human people. Don’t worry, though – we’ve discovered the secret to hiding the fact that your soul is a gaping black hole: distract people with pictures of adorable dogs!
1. At a job interview
At a job interview, it can quickly become clear that although you’re totally qualified for the job, all of your references only agreed to recommend you if you promised to stop showing up to happy hour. To get around this? Staple your resume to a picture of a dog on a computer. Who’s a smart doggie! Can he even type with his silly little paws? Does he know how a spreadsheet works? Your interviewer will undoubtedly have so many questions about this genius canine that they won’t even need to talk about YOU at all!
2. At a party
Parties are usually pretty awkward, considering no one enjoys talking to you. But can you blame them? You tell that same story about getting yelled at in the bathroom of a Billy Joel concert every. single. time. When you see the party guest you cornered by the hummus plate nervously send a text that says “SAVE ME,” just pull out your own cell phone and show them this video of a dog wearing pizza poncho. This is great! Everyone loves dogs, and pizza, and ponchos! Have the millennials officially ‘okayed’ ponchos?
3. Online dating
There’s no stigma to online dating anymore! Except, of course, in your case, because you really are a sad, desperate person. It sure is hard to write about your hobbies and interests when you spend most of your time re-reading the old US Weekly magazines you steal from the nail salon. How about making this seductive pug your profile picture? You might even get a date someday – just remember to bring more dog pictures, you boring idiot!
4. In a court of law
Say you need to defend yourself on trial, for, I don’t know, public urination? Try out the it’s-ok-if-a-dog-does-it-but-not-me-huh defense. It definitely won’t work, but it make the judge hate you less after all those “objectionable” legal puns you shouted out!
5. At a family reunion
When your aunt “forgets” to invite you to Thanksgiving dinner, show up anyway and show everyone this group of dogs that clearly accept and love each other, or at the very least HANG OUT IN A PACK AND DON’T LEAVE ANYONE OUT JUST BECAUSE THEY “ALWAYS MAKE A SCENE!” I SAID I WAS SORRY ABOUT LABOR DAY, OKAY?
6. At the therapist’s office
So, your therapist fell asleep. Again. Wake her up with a this picture. Show her that you’re not “a narcissist and eternal whiner,” you’re just learning to love yourself, like this confident female canine.
I hope these ideas have helped. Of course, one day you might evolve into a likable person… but you’re probably better off sticking with the whole dog picture thing.