To Pokémon Everywhere:
On July 6, my world changed forever. That was the day you came crashing into our world. And while you may be the most popular thing since, well, Pokémon, I for one am not happy about this.
It’s been 15 days. Fifteen long, lonely days since my human, Tim — sweet, sweet Tim — turned his attention and affections from me, a perfect dog, to you, an insane collection of imaginary creatures. Sure, you delight Tim and appear to bring him an alarming amount of joy, but you also distract him from the most important thing in the world: me.
I’ve been patient. I’ve been calm. But now I am taking a stand and I am imploring you: Pokémon, give me my human back.
Here are just a few ways that things have changed since you inserted yourself into my and Tim’s otherwise perfect life:
1. My favorite walk has been inexplicably changed. Now Tim takes us on random detours, to places I’m not even allowed to pee and poop in. Like churches and train stations. We just stand around with other people on their phones, waiting for one of you to appear.
2. Tim used to talk to me during our walk. Now he just mutters weird words to himself like, “Charizard, Charizard, Charizard.” I fear he is going insane.
3. Tim seems to enjoy walking more than ever before, but in an ironic twist, is barely able to do it anymore. He’s so invested in whatever you guys are doing that he often trips and drops his phone. It’s embarrassing when your human is a bad walker, not to mention it reflects poorly on my ability to manage him. Bottom line, Pokémon: You’re not helping me train my human.
4. Last week, Tim sprinted us home because he said his “phone died.” I felt sad for him, and assumed we were rushing home to pay our respects to the deceased phone. When we got back, I went to bring Tim our favorite shoe, thinking it would lift his spirits. Instead, I walked in on him playing with you guys on his phone — WHICH WAS MIRACULOUSLY BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE. What?! I knew you Pokémon had the power to distract my human, but resurrecting the dead is some Voldemort-level shit.
5. Side note: I’m really tired. I’ve walked more these past two weeks than I have in the past two years.
6. Tim told me he was going to the gym, but when I looked out the window, he was just standing outside the deli near our house, hanging with five other dudes. What they were doing would definitely not qualify as exercise — tapping their phones and gesturing wildly. I can’t believe Tim lied to me about the gym. The old Tim never would’ve done that.
7. Tim used to reserve his special excited, high-pitched voice for me. He wouldn’t do it around anyone — not even that girl Melissa who used to come over. Cause it was our thing. Or so I thought. Now I hear him using that same beautiful falsetto tone when he talks to you guys. It sucks.
8. Tim talks about throwing balls all the time now, but he never throws them at me. There isn’t even a ball in his hand. Just a phone. And as everyone know, a phone is not a ball.
9. The other day, Tim said that something named Jigglypuff was the “cutest f—-ing thing” he’d ever seen. Huh. He used to say that about me.
10. Tim keeps saying how he’s more evolved than ever before, yet all I see is a clear devolution of a once-promising young man.
11. Tim suddenly can’t contain his excitement about eggs hatching. Huh?! Tim knows I’m a dog. He knows I can’t lay eggs. Just to be sure, I tried to lay one anyway. I pushed and I pushed and I pushed, and I thought I maybe laid an egg, but when I looked, it was just a poop. On the carpet. Tim was not happy.
That’s right, Pokémon. You basically forced me to take a dump in my own home. And that’s where I draw the line. I’ve tried asking nicely. But now I am YELLING: Back. The. Hell. Up. You. Damn. Pokémon.
All of you. Pikachu, Diglett, Weddle, Magikarp, Vaporeon, the highly-coveted Lapras, whatever that looks like. Get out of Tim’s phone and get on with your life. I don’t know how you got into his phone in the first place, and I don’t really care. It’s time to leave.
This may be just a game to you, but this is my life. My life with Tim.
And good riddance.
Oliver the Dog, Tim’s Owner
This has been another BarkPost Stink Piece, updated every week!