Welcome to BarkPost After Dark, a series of hilarious but slightly inappropriate articles we post in the wee hours of the morning for you
weirdos night owls. Not recommended for baby hoomans or the overly sensitive. Enjoy!
It’s time we address this, because I’m tired of having to explain to people on Facebook that the big red phallic object on my bed is my dog’s, not mine. Not that there’s anything wrong with adult toys. It’s just that no one deserves to have to explain to their mom’s friend on Facebook (whose friend request you accepted only to make your mom happy. Thanks, Mom.) that sometimes dog toys look like something you order from an online sex toy shop because that’s just how life is sometimes, gosh, get off my case.
Here are 7 dog toys that would be super awkward to bring out when guests are over.
You might be thinking, “What? It’s just an egg.” Then allow me to blow your mind (PAUSE), because there is a thing called Tenga that’s also shaped like an egg. And you put something in it, if you get what I mean.
2. Dura Squeak
You know when you’re just sitting there reading something in silence and you hear a slurping sound so you look over and find your dog going to town on a large, bumpy, studded rubber thing and you panic real quick because you worry you left your bedside drawer open? (DON’T JUDGE.)
3. Pretty much any Nylabone.
I mean one looks like a tiny fist and one looks like it’s ribbed for extra sensitivity. What is even going on here. Also, this:
As if looking like a prop from an adult film isn’t enough, there’s that suggestive name that makes you feel like someone at Product Development had 50 Shades of Grey on their mind the entire time.
From the product description: “They are meant for indoor or outdoor use and they even float!” Hmm. I bet they do.
Just like adult toys, the Crinkit “helps reduce boredom and anxiety.” And you’ll be happy to know that these toys aren’t just for the young and adventurous. “Softer material is easy on the mouth, making it perfect for senior dogs.”
So this dog toy is called “Jawrobics,” which reminds me of the Shake Weight, only because here’s a product that has nothing to do with anything remotely sexual until one person makes one misplaced joke and then you can’t unsee it.
If you’re afraid your dog might repurpose one of your adult toys, don’t fret, because someone already invented a sex toy for dogs. Yeah, I know. But hey, at least your pup won’t be humping blankets in a dark closet anymore.
Stay classy, mutherpuppers!