Welcome to BarkPost After Dark, a series of hilarious but slightly inappropriate articles we post in the wee hours of the morning for you
weirdos night owls. Not recommended for baby hoomans or the overly sensitive. Enjoy!
You turn the lights down low, put your phones aside, and down that last bit of wine in your glasses before turning to each other with bedroom eyes, ready to do the horizontal tango.
Everything starts off well, you’re enjoying the moment, when you feel a warm moistness down by your legs and you think, “That couldn’t possibly be…is it?”
It’s your creepball of a dog, panting heavily by the side of the bed because he knows something’s about to go down. And no one warns you about this phenomenon, either. It’s kind of like how no one tells you you’ll probably poop while delivering a baby, or that 3am burritos with extra hot sauce always come with consequences.
If your dog is a weirdo expert at ruining your sexy time, you’re not alone. A quick Google search will show you there have been many with the same question: “Why is my dog cockblocking me?” Here are some of the ways dogs have figured out to put an end to the romance faster than an overbearing chaperone at a middle school dance.
1. The Surprise Three-Way
“I was really feeling this new guy and I could tell he was into me too. We both leaned in for a kiss and I closed my eyes. That’s when shit hit the fan.
For a millisecond, I didn’t register what was happening. I was completely freaked out by this guy’s sloppy kissing skills and bad breath—what a disappointment, right? Then I realized I WAS MAKING OUT WITH MY DOG.”
2. The Cuddler
“One of ours literally tried to snuggle with me during sex. Every time I would move, he would move and snuggle his head into my shoulder. Damn crazy dog.”
3. The Point-Maker
“Little Miss Molly was not so happy to see [my date]. So much so that the second time we went out, she pooped on the floor in front of the bathroom. When he invited himself in, he didn’t see the poop and stepped right in it. I had to ask him to leave in order to ‘clean up the mess.’
My dog had never pooped in the house before. It was clearly a pointed comment.”
4. The Creeper
“The first time me and my bf were getting it on while he had the dog I happen to look over and there’s my dog standing in the doorway (bedroom was dark, hallway was lit so all I saw was silhouette) just STARING at us like in bewilderment. I couldn’t help my self and had to laugh and almost ruined the whole thing.”
5. The Adorable Barker
“My Yorkie aka The Most Adorable Dog In The WorldTM graciously exits the room when we get frisky. He does, however, go to the living room window and bark like a nut case. Do you think he’s trying to tell us something?”
So, if you ever find yourself cursing your bad luck because your pup won’t let you get frisky with your boo, don’t fret. You’re not the only one. Here’s a relevant e-card to send to your partners, because it’s the adult thing to do: