Welcome to Bark After Dark, a series of hilarious but slightly unusual articles we post in the wee hours of the morning for you
weirdos night owls. Not for the faint of heart, weak of stomach, or low of humor. Enjoy!
1. Kyle Richards, RHOBH:
Like Kyle Richards, this dog would sooner sell her children than cut her hair. Well not Portia. She’d donate an inch or two if she got to keep Portia. If the kid sticks to her acting lessons.
2. Heather Dubrow, RHOOC:
Heather lays claim to some of our favorite Real Housewives taglines of all time, including “I may be married to a blobfish, but I’m 98% cartilage.”
This dog definitely uses words like “lugubrious” and “rococo”, and refers to herself as a canis lupus familiaris. She also gets her butt bleached once a week, but tells everyone she was born that way.
3. Teresa Guidice, RHONJ:
This dog has seen some sh-t, like the inside of a jail cell and her husband’s mouth. Based on this photo, she clearly doesn’t understand basic English either, and at 3.5 inches, their legs are exactly the same length.
4. Ramona Singer, RHONY:
Nuff said. We also like that this dog appears to be nursing some kind of hangover, or reliving terrifying memories of her childhood in the woods.
5. NeNe Leakes, RHOA:
She has a confused-out-of-his-mind Yorkie named Playa, who has been fitted for a tuxedo, but if NeNe herself was a dog, she’d be more like this Tibetan Mastiff, who is comin’ at you like a bat out of hell, but still has every hair in place.
6. Vicki Gunvalson, RHOOC:
Vicki and this dog have a similar thing going on where it looks like it hurts when they smile. Also, it’s hard to tell where their chin starts and stops.
7. Caroline Manzo, RHONJ:
What is Caroline Manzo if not a redhead with massive teets, ready and willing to nurse all of New Jersey’s children? Or at the very least all her kids’ friends?
8. Lisa Vanderpump, RHOBH:
I don’t care if this breed comes from Tibet, this dog definitely has a British accent. And if you part those silken curtains, you’re bound to find 4 inches of ill-advised cleavage.
9. Kim Zolciak, RHOA:
Kim Zolciak is this dog rummaging through the trash can that is her life, looking for cigarette butts, mangled weaves, and any number of her kids, but with less clothing on. And we still love her.
10. Erika Girardi, RHOBH:
I had a hard time with this one, partly because I couldn’t think of a creature as majestic and fabulous as Erika Jayne, and partly because I couldn’t find a dog who’s a straight up sex goddess. Until I remembered the ice-eyed Siberian Husky, a dog who “rarely barks preferring instead to howl.” Precisely. Like Erika, this dog is also adventurous, independent, and understands the value of a luxurious leather thong.
11. Aviva Drescher, RHONY:
This is Aviva hanging out with her dad.
12. Lisa Rinna, RHOBH
Yeah, right. This is yet another list Rinna won’t be on this year.