Humor

An Open Letter To The Person Who Never Feeds Me Table Scraps

An Open Letter To The Person Who Never Feeds Me Table Scraps

To the Person Who Never Feeds Me Table Scraps,

I know you are aware of my presence. The rumblings and grumblings of my tummy have, once again, given me away. I am hungry. No, I am famished. Wait, scratch that, too. My stomach is so incredibly empty that I’m convinced it’s begun to eat itself from the inside. Okay fine, I know you just fed me my own dinner like five minutes ago… but if I don’t get a nibble of something (other than kibble) soon, I will surely perish of food #FOMO. Do you want that kind of guilt on your head?

crazy eye restaraunt dog

A few sniffs and my nose quickly confirms what I have suspected all along: I need in on this pronto. Alas, you sit at the kitchen table noshing on your yummy-yummy, mystical human food. You purposefully avoid my gaze. Feeding on this all-powerful food has given you delusions of grandeur. Gimme. GIMME. Just one bite, please? But no, you’re too busy playing God via grub again.


“I don’t need the WHOLE turkey! A leg or a breast or even that piece of grizzle you chewed and then discreetly spit into your napkin will suffice! Yeah, I saw that!”


I lovingly stare at that bite of turkey precariously perched on your fork and plop down at your feet. Surely you’ll throw a dog a bone, or in this case, a bite of turkey? To entice you into sharing I make the one face I’ve learned you can’t resist: puppy dog eyes.

dog one eye under table

But what’s this? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I’m using my best material here, and it’s like you don’t even know I exist. HELLO?!? Curse you, human! I MUST KNOW WHAT IT TASTES LIKE. I nudge you with my head, as I let out a pathetic little whimper. You’d have to be heartless to say no to this. Plus, maybe my nudge will cause that tidbit of turkey to teeter off your fork and straight into my trap.

NOOOO! Don’t tell me to go lay down! I will not be banished to my dog bed again! You can’t make me go! I don’t need the WHOLE turkey! A leg or a breast or even that piece of grizzle you chewed and then discreetly spit into your napkin will suffice! Yeah, I saw that! You can’t fool me! You’d rather waste food than share it with me, your loyal BFF??? You’re colder than I ever imagined, Human.

dog and dog on mug

The food left on your plate has dwindled, and you are now down to your final bite. I’m extremely disappointed in you. After everything we’ve been through — the fetch, the snuggles, the multiple times I’ve protected you by barking at the mailman. And for what? Nothing.


“Scooping the bite off the floor and into your napkin, you clear your plate to the sink without a second thought. I am left to ponder what went wrong.”


Two can play at this game and I’ve been sitting on a Hail Mary. Stoically, I raise my paw. “Chariots of Fire” begins to play (or is that just in my head?), urging me onward. My paw soars through the air in epic slow motion. Everything comes down to this moment. Your behavior tonight has proven it’s a dog-eat-dog world; I’m just doing my best to keep up. My paw glide, glide, glides… and finally comes to rest with a deafening thud on your knee. Did it work?

paw on knee dog

YES!!! Bingo, baby! My nudge has caused that last scrumptious morsel of turkey to plunge from your fork and onto the floor. How you like THEM apples, huh Human? I lunge forward, mouth agape, fully expecting to be met with the savory taste of victory and fatty goodness.

But No. No. No, no, no, no, NO! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME. Just as I am about to lock my chompers on this hard earned prize, you swoop in with your stupid opposable thumbs and ruin everything. Scooping the bite off the floor and into your napkin, you clear your plate to the sink without a second thought. I am left to ponder what went wrong.

dog wants bacon

You’ve bested me this time, human… as well as every other time. But I will not give up! Mark my woofs: One day I will get that table scrap. Oh yes, and until that day comes I will boldly continue to beg.

Until breakfast,

Dog

Featured image via @NordicByNature_/Instagram

Comments