I am writing to inquire as to your current whereabouts. Where did you go, Ball? My human threw you, like they have thrown you many times before. As per usual, I ran as fast as I could to find you, but you were nowhere to be seen. I have sniffed and sniffed the entire dog park, and I can’t seem to pick up your scent anywhere. Please show yourself, Ball!
I sniffed under a bench where the small dogs hide from the bigger dogs, but you were not there. I sniffed in the hole I dug with my paws and mouth, but you were not there. I sniffed under the pee pee tree, and you were not there (but I did stop to pee pee). I looked in every direction, and could not see you, Ball. I even looked back at my human just to make sure I didn’t accidentally outrun you (which I can do because I am the best at running), but no, you were not behind me either.
You see, Ball, I have the important job of retrieving you whenever my human throws you. I do not know why they throw you, but I do know that it is my duty to find you and bring you back to them. Your part in all of this, Ball, is to bounce and bounce until you come to a roll, whereby I skid across the grass to snatch you up in my mouth as quickly as possible to return you to my human immediately. This is how it works, Ball. And you are not holding up your end of the bargain. Your job is to be found.
Why won’t you respond to my barks, Ball? Why won’t you show yourself? What have I done to wrong you? I must have offended or hurt you in some way. Please know it was unintentional. I’m sorry I chew on you, but you’re so chewy. I’m sorry I slobber on you, but I’m so slobbery. Don’t take it personally. That’s just how it is between us, Ball. You must be reasonable.
Now my human is laughing. This is clearly a response of sheer insanity to the immense loss they must be feeling over the sudden disappearance of their most precious possession! I must admit, Ball, I am starting to get frantic myself. I am retracing my steps over and over. I’m tilting my head as far as it will tilt. This isn’t funny anymore, Ball. This isn’t a game. Why are you putting us through this? What does it all mean?
I’m beginning to question everything now, Ball. Did you even exist? Did I dream you up like those dream squirrels I chase in my sleep? Did I will you into existence to fulfill a subconscious longing for purpose? Are you simply a metaphysical construct that only exists in the abstract and my obsession with you is evidence of a deeper yearning to connect with intangibles? Am I really just searching for the lost ball inside of me?
Let me check the pee pee tree again…
P.S. It seems you returned yourself to my human. Don’t worry me like that!
This has been another BarkPost Stink Piece, updated every week!