Dear Beach Water,
Last weekend, Mom and Dad packed up all of my toys, my supper dish, some food, lots of treats, and my water bowl. I wondered if I was going to play at Ruby’s house for the weekend, but I noticed that they had packed up a lot of their toys, too. And then I knew: We were coming to see you.
It’s weird, because when they’re getting ready, they take off most of their clothes, but I have to wear my harness. That’s not very fair. I have more hair than they do and I have to wear extra stuff. It’s hot outside, and my harness doesn’t give me the full range of motion I need to hop around and drag them to the car.
I’ve seen you jillions of times, and I can only assume you’re part of someone’s water dish. A really big someone who can’t taste or smell anything. Because whenever I try and drink from you, you taste really bad. Worse than the lemon Dad dropped on the ground the other day. No, thank you!
No offense, but your human needs to clean you. I can’t see the bottom of your dish, and there’s weird things floating around inside you. Don’t get me wrong, I like it when you bring me sticks, but there’s also some little weird, shiny floppy things that move around really fast, and slimy plants that look like grass, but don’t taste like it. Hmm.
You move around a lot, and I don’t really like that, either. I tried to figure you out a few weeks ago. I thought you wanted to play, because you kept chasing me around. Near me. Away from me. Near me. Away from me. But then you were super mean and pushed me over without saying anything! At least when my mom tackles me, she’s obvious about it, because she wants my football.
Other dogs seem to absolutely love you! I often see them running around and splashing in you, but I tried that once, and all of a sudden, the bottom just disappeared and I couldn’t stand anymore! I got back to the family blanket, but I didn’t want to go in anymore. I’ve even seen a few dogs standing on you! They’re always on a floaty thing, like a floor with sides. Mom says it’s called a boat, but really, they must be thrones for dogs. They’re also too good to drink you and are showing their domination. I hope it doesn’t make you feel too bad.
Last weekend, Mom kept going out really far, and my first instinct was to go tell her what happened to me and save her. I almost got to her, but then I thought, “Nope. Mom can stay in the water dish forever. Bye.” She says I have webbed paws and I should be good at dog paddling like she is, but what does she know? She doesn’t have paws, and her legs are way longer than mine!
It’s probably not your fault, but the sandy stuff gets everywhere. In my eyes, in my paw pads, and all over my fur. It doesn’t hurt, but I get really sticky and smelly and dirty. It’s weird that water makes me go into more water when I get home. I really hate baths. Wait. Are you a really big bathtub?! That would explain a LOT.
It’s not that I don’t like you. At the end of every beach day, I’m so tired I can barely stand. I get to chase birds and tennis balls and meet lots of new friends. And naps in the sun are super nice. But sometimes when it gets cold out, Mom and Dad take me to the big rocky place and there’s this bright stuff all over the ground! When they throw it like a ball, it disappears, and if I eat it, it tastes just like the water in my bowl at home! It’s magic! Nothing against you, though. I just prefer my own water to drink without having to take a bath.
Mom and Dad are telling me I’ll see you next weekend, though! Do me a favor and bring me a stick?
This has been another BarkPost Stink Piece, updated every week!