Ever think your dog understands you on a level no human does? Have you ever thought “my dog is wiser than the trees and can see the future?” Well, if either of these things are true for you, this 2016 Nostradogmus Chart is chock full of predictions that you absolutely need to know as you navigate your way through 2016.
We have acquired the ancient prophetic knowledge of AfroShiba, a psychic pooch known far and wide for his abilities to make these predictions for you. It is the year of the *dog, after all.
OFFICIAL AFROSHIBA PREDICTIONS FOR 2016
Career: Find your passion and go for it. Quite like how I have recently discovered predicting the future and smelling my own farts are passions of mine, it’s up to you to explore what you love and then go after it like a Greyhound after a rabbit.
Job Change: Embrace change, human! A dog will only pee on the same tree twice if he *has* to, so why would you go to the same boring job day after day? Shake things up like a Pomeranian on her way to get a buzz cut! Be a dog walker. Be a dog groomer. Do anything but work with people.
Wealth: Congratulations! This is your year of substantial monetary growth. You will either win the lottery OR inherit money from an estranged family member. This money will be overwhelming at first, but soon you will realize exactly what to do with it. And what’s that, you ask? Spend it on your dog.
Love: HA! Love. Love is as fickle as a puppy’s desire to be potty trained. The only love you’ll find this year, Human, is the love of your animal. It is a potent, undying love, and you should embrace it for what it is. Also, a dog can’t ghost you on Tinder. So that’s a thing.
Social Circle: This year, human, your social life will change for the better. All those “friends” you have who “like to go to brunch” and “have conversation” will be a thing of the past! You will wake up one day inundated with the adoption itch, and you will soon be the parent to three to four new dogs before the year is over. Well done, you. You’re a crazy dog person now!
Quarrel: The only quarrel’s you can expect to face this year are with those damn squirrels. For some reason you humans do not seem to mind their presence as much as us dogs do, and it’s truly starting to affect the relationship between human and dog across the globe. I mean, what do you people get out of having them around? Squirrels are furry manifestations of evil, and they must be eradicated. So say we all.
Health: Unfortunately, your health will suffer in 2016. Not medically, but physically. You will find the affection of your dog infinitely more potent in this year, therefore you will be spending far more time cuddling with your furry friend in bed or on the couch or in a hammock or on the floor if you’re that kind of person. Your muscles may atrophy, you may acquire a bedsore (or two, but everything’s better in pairs), but you will find the ultimate emotional joy buried under the jowls of your pooch companion.
General Fortune: As long as you own a dog, you’re fine. If you don’t own a dog, your future is bleak and we can’t help you. Get a dog. Get this dog.
Unfortunately, those are all the predictions AfroShiba has for 2016. For more, you’ll have to wait until 2017. AfroShiba, out!
*We are aware it is in fact the year of the Red Monkey, but as we are dog people and AfroShiba is amazing, every year is the year of the Dog.
Featured image via SF Gate