There are a lot of little quirks unique to these long-bodied, wrinkle-footed things we call Dachshunds. They have that characteristic waddle-walk, those guilty faces after they steal your sandwich, their expressive body language, and their love of blankets, to name a few. Even when they wake from their fabric cocoons, they have a, uh… method.
Be warned: disaster may be coming when a Dachshund regains consciousness, as they are small, short-legged mischief magnets. You will do well to know the signs.
1. The false alarm
This is when a sudden noise or hyper-realistic bacon dream jolts the Dachshund from its slumber—almost. Do not be fooled, the wiener is not actually awake, and will quickly revert back to the limp noodle state.
2. The upside-down turtle
This strange phenomenon occurs when a Dachshund has begun the waking-up process but is cleverly feigning motivation. It’s the epitome of “5 more minutes, Mom” without having to say it.
3. The stink-eye
The way to a Dachshund’s heart is NOT by disturbing their snooze-fest. They are like small bears, except hibernation comes around every few hours. Note: the Dachshund is significantly more likely to forgive if you greet it with food.
4. The epic yawn
Otherwise known as the “steer clear or feel your nose hairs singe,” the epic yawn releases a burst of toxic Doxie breath, and signals that though it hates you very much for waking it up, it will do it anyway.
5. The downward-facing dawg
This is the point of no return. Once the Dachshund is limber it will be constantly moving, hoovering the floors and tabletops for crumbs, and barking every time a car door shuts. You will have roughly three hours before it slips back into unconsciousness.
6. The grumble-mumbles
Well there you have it: your Dachshund is awake. These throaty grumbles are the equivalent of a Dachshund starting their engine for fun (re: trouble-making). Brace yourselves, humans.