"Facebook can be great, of course, but there’s no denying that it occasionally encourages bad behavior in people, from vaguebooking to humblebragging to fishing for compliments and so on.
For all these reasons and more, we’re really glad our dogs aren’t on Facebook:"
1. TOO MANY SELFIES. My dogs already get way too much attention as it is. I can only imagine how big their heads would be if they had the power to post their own pictures to Facebook.
2. FISHING (Canining?) FOR COMPLIMENTS. “Does this outfit make me look like Obie the Dachshund before he lost the weight?”
3. OVERSHARING. Dogs lick their privates in full view of strangers, so obviously they don’t have much in the way of shame. Can you imagine the sorts of things they’d share if they were on Facebook? “You’ll never guess how many butts I sniffed last night. Just guess. Sixteen butts.”
4. VAGUEBOOKING. Vaguebooking is when you write something extremely vague on Facebook that practically begs to be remarked upon. For example: “I’m not in the mood to bark.” You know he wants you to ask him why, but then when you do, he’s just going to say, “I…I don’t want to bark about it.”
5. HUMBLEBRAGGING. It’s not easy making a brag look humble, but I have a feeling dogs would be pretty good at it. “Whenever someone tells me how good I am at fetching, I’m all like, ‘Are you sure you’ve got the right dog?’”
6. FOOD PORN. Human food porn is bad enough, but dog food porn? No thank you, man.
7. BAD GRAMMAR. If you think the grammar of human beings is poor, the grammar of dogs…well, it’s probably just as poor, if not slightly less poor.
8. MUNDANE INFO-DUMPING. Let’s face it – the everyday mundanities of a dog’s life probably don’t need to be in a status update. “8 a.m. Just woke up. Had some kibble. 8:22 a.m. Went on a walk. Did #1 and #2, and then #1 ten more times. Gonna take a nap now. 9 a.m. Just woke up from a nap. I think I’m gonna take another nap. 9:30 a.m. Woke up from second nap to the sound of the mailman at the door, so I barked at him for a while. Now I’m gonna nap again.”
" 9. PRODUCT PROMOTION. Humans are constantly getting involved in some fad, be it P90x or Crossfit or Soylent, and then promoting the heck out of it on Facebook. Dogs would almost certainly do the same.
On second thought, they’d probably just promote BarkBox, which we all know is certifiably awesome."