Hey humans, it might seem like we all have a deep connection, but if you dig through a few furry wrinkles, you’ll find out that we’ve got some real issues with you.
Here are 17 reasons we are NOT your best friends:
Snort breath snort,
1.You always get our worst angle.
“Don’t you know by now that I photograph best from the left?! We’ve been together for 3 YEARS! It’s like you’re TRYING to make me look bad.”
2. You make us go shopping.
“Why are you always taking me to Home Depot even though you KNOW I don’t like to ‘do it myself’? Also, if you say ‘I’m not making you go shopping you GET to go shopping’ one more time, I’m gonna sh*t in your bed.”
3. You taunt us with treats.
“It LOOKS close enough that I might be able to reach it, but then it moves when I try to get it. Maybe if I just stare at it long enough it will just fall into my mouth. Stare. Staaaaare. STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE.”
4. You confuse the sh*t out of us.
“TOO MANY OPTIONS!!!!!!!!!”
5. You make us wake up before we’re ready. Which is to say, you make us wake up.
“Have you ever heard of beauty sleep? Well I need all of it.”
6. You humiliate us with polyester.
“How DARE they make us match? I’m clearly an autumn color palette while Hubert here is a winter and they just disregard the color science.”
7. You say our farts stink.
“If you just cooked me that grass-fed, organic beef every night like I told you to, my farts would smell like candy. But since you fill me with this garbage kibble, this aroma bouquet is on you.”
8. You make us play drums.
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“Look at this personality! I’m OBVIOUSLY frontman material. Putting me in the back is a reflection on your own insecurity. Whatever. Go ahead and put me in the back. We all saw what happened with Phil Collins. He CARRIED Genesis, just like I carry you.”
9. One word: cone.
10. You don’t know good lighting.
“Really? I can’t see color and even I know that this isn’t my best light.”
11. You always want us to walk faster.
“I go the speed I go! Don’t rush me! Good things take time and I am the best thing.”
12. You make us go to bed.
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“I’M NOT TIRED! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT? I’M. NOT. TIRED. IT’S LIKE YOU’RE NOT EVEN LISTENING TO ME!”
13. You try to flatter us during the holidays.
“I don’t look anything like that. Bah hum-pug!”
14. You put things on our heads we don’t approve of.
“You KNOW I hate Billy Ray Cyrus.”
15. You make us help with your tans.
“I graduated top of my class at Harvard Obedience School…”
16. You trick us into eating broccoli.
“Shhhhhh this tastes awful but I’m already too far in to stop now! Why did I agree to this? Thwarted by my love of treats!”
Featured image via @ClarksCrazyMama