Have you ever seen your sweet, soft, lovable pooch just Alpha-the-F-out at the dog park and wonder, “Is my dog a bitch?”
This is a tough topic to broach with many pup-parents, because of course your sweet little boo adds so much joy and love to your life and yada yada yada. But sometimes it’s necessary to face the facts: Your dog might be a mean, manipulative bitch! Here are some warning signs:
1. Does your dog spread rumors at the dog park and watch with sick satisfaction as the other dogs “cat fight?”
2. Does your pooch insist on pooping on flowers, because ruining something beautiful for someone else makes her own inner pain feel more legitimate*?
3. When you pick her up from doggie daycare, does she pretend she doesn’t know you and refuse to get in the car “with a dog-napper?”
4. Does she say she’s totally coming to your birthday party, then she’s a no-show and her snapchat shows her at the party of someone else?
5. Does she borrow your clothes and only give them back when they’re covered in Shake Shack’s finest sauces?
6. Do her groomers tremble when they cut her hair, because they know she writes SCATHING Yelp reviews?
7. Does she insist on keeping her shoes on in the apartment late at night even though the downstairs neighbors have complained about the noise?
8. Does she “accidentally” wrap her leash around people’s ankles and wag her tail ferociously hard when they trip?
9. When you’re eating something delicious, does she refuse to beg because she hasn’t given up on her diet yet, “unlike some people?”
10. When you finally get the confidence to try a fun summer crop top, does she “admire your bravery” and roll her eyes?
11.Did she eat your homework? You might tell yourself this is normal dog behavior, but I bet she doesn’t even like the taste of paper. I bet she’s just doing it to spite you.
12. Did she chew up your new shoes? I bet she doesn’t even like the taste of shoes, I bet she’s just doing it to spite you.
13. Does she shamelessly hit on your boyfriend RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU? I bet she doesn’t even like him, she’s just doing it to spite you. UGH what a BITCH!
14. Does she insist on being the center of attention? Like, listen, it’s not your day, all right? It can’t ALWAYS be your day.
15. Does your dog not give up her seat for disabled or elderly subway riders? Wow. Just… wow. Courtesy counts, okay?
16. Does she caption her instagram photo “Good hair don’t care” just to start a rumor that she’s the real Becky?
A video posted by DogsBeingBasic™ (@dogsbeingbasic) on
17. Are you reading this with the lowest light setting on your device because you don’t want to interrupt your pooch’s beauty rest out of fear of how angry she’ll be?
If any of the above rings true… yeah. Your dog’s a bitch.
But you know WHAT? Bitches get stuff DONE. Bitches hold things down. Bitches make the world go round. So love that bitch and stay out of her way!
DISCLAIMER: This article is a joke and I chose funny pictures to match but I’m sure all of the dogs in these photos are sweethearts and I’d be honored to hug any of them if the opportunity arises, okay? Thanks.
Featured image via @little_lola_sunshine