Super Bowl Sunday is a day of football, friends and food. And some stunning realizations.
It’s also a day where you might welcome people into your house. And we all know how that can go. So here are some helpful dogs to tell you (read: warn you) about the people you’re likely to meet at your Super Bowl party this year.
1. The Chatterbox
2. The (Commercial) Chatterbox
That person who talks during the commercials. This is equally annoying and offensive given the cultural importance of Super Bowl ads. IF I DON’T SEE EVERY SECOND OF EVERY AD THEN MY MONDAY WATER COOLER BANTER WILL BE COMPLETE CRAP.
3. The Cheese Dip Fiend
I will freely admit that I am usually this person. The promise of cheese is often the only thing that gets me to even consider socializing with others. But yeah, this person came to your Super Bowl party to literally just eat a bunch of cheese-based dips. It’s not personal. It’s just…how do I explain this…like, if my mouth is full of buffalo chicken dip, then I physically can’t answer anyone’s questions about “how things are going.”
Sorry, I can’t hear you. I have stuff in my mouth.
You don’t have to agree with The Cheese Dip Fiend. But you goddamn better respect
us them. Shut up.
4. The Picky Eater
That person with food preferences you’ve never even heard of. Oh, you’re on the Cabbage Diet? Great, let me just grab that head of cabbage I’ve been saving for a moment like this.
5. The Incessant Questioner
That person who doesn’t know anything about football (totally fine) but chose today of all days to learn all about it (not fine). And they designated you as the person to listen to and answer their approximately 1 billion questions (truly the opposite of fine).
6. The Random Roommate
The roommate who emerges from their room-cave halfway through the game to ask what’s going on and why is everyone yelling and who are these people that are yelling are these your friends I didn’t realize you had friends that’s nice and where did this food come from and can I have some. (A slightly different breed of #5: The Incessant Questioner.)
7. The Yeller
From kick-off to the final touchdown, that MONSTER who is supposed to be a GUEST in your HOME is yelling non-stop. Somehow they never scream themselves hoarse, which is a real shame considering they’re yelling about football, as opposed to something relevant, like the small fire that you just noticed in your kitchen.
All their screaming is about as helpful as barking at, say, pants.
But at least this guy looks cute doing it.
8. The Person Yelling At The Yeller
What could possibly be worse than The Yeller?
The person yelling at The Yeller. You’re just making it worse. Now I have two annoying people in my house who I’m forced to share my guacamole with. Plus, yelling at The Yeller is about as sound as this logic right here:
9. The Frugal AF “Friend”
That person who brings no food, no drink, and offers no money in return for eating and drinking all the things and expecting five-star service and the full use of my bathroom to do horrible things in.
Oh, sure, next course coming right up. THANKS FOR COMING I’M SO GLAD WE’RE FRIENDS.
10. The Movie Quoter
That person quoting Waterboy endlessly.
Yes, we remember that part. We love that movie. We hate you.
Now that you’re armed with this knowledge, you’re all set to enjoy a kickass Super Bowl Sunday! Have a safe and fun celebration with your pups and pals. Trust us. You’re ready.