Welcome to Bark After Dark, a series of hilarious but slightly unusual articles we post in the wee hours of the morning for you
weirdos night owls. Not for the faint of heart, weak of stomach, or low of humor. Enjoy!
There is nothing pretty about the term “vagina.” The word itself sounds like the name of a corrupt pharmaceutical company that meddles in gynecological crises. Human women have responded with a bona fide seafood buffet of vagina euphemisms: beaver, taco, Little Shop of Horrors, etc. I think it’s about time that lady pups get in on that action.
I totally understand the appeal of anatomical correctness when referring to a dog’s genitals. It’s science! But here are just some friendly suggestions for “vagina” alternatives from a girl who calls dog legs “drumsticks,” “chicken drummies,” and “chicky drum drums.” Which is to say that I am super into science, too. Very, very, science-y.
All right, let’s start off with the lookalikes:
2. Dollop of Daisy
Note: This is is especially good if your dog’s name is Daisy.
6. Dime Bag
7. Smurf Hat
Note: If your dog’s smurf hat is blue, take her to a vet immediately.
8. Baby’s Thumb
10. Very Top Of The Onion Tower At Benihana
Now to what I will generously describe as puns:
1. Bottom Snoot
2. Lady Milkboner
3. Personal Kong
4. Front Tail
6. Virginia Woof
7. The Fifth Dew Claw
8. Puppy Muff (it’s a play on puppy mills, okay??)
9. Kibble and Naughty Bits
10. Plushy Stuffing
Here are some names borrowed from the human vaginal lexicon that still apply to our canine sisters:
1. Georgia O’Keefe
3. Spam Folder
4. City Of Lost Children
6. Whisker Biscuit
9. Jelly Doughnut
10. Ham Wallet
These don’t make a whole lot of sense, but for some reason they feel right to me:
1. Ms. Trunchbull
4. Custard Truck
5. Liza Minnelli
6. Fancy After Dinner Mint
8. Traffic Cone For Ants
9. Bloated Poppy Seed
And because I don’t want anyone to feel left out, these are for anyone with a red rocket between their hind legs:
1. Underbaked Breadstick
2. Fun Dip Stick
3. Hairy Pawter (neuter scar and all)
4. Miniature Dachshund
5. Cherry Lipsmacker
6. Penne a la Marinara
7. Moldy Salami
8. Chuck It (without the balls it came with)
9. Pillar of Salt (We’re all famililar with a salt lick.)
10. Low Hanging Fruit
So there you have it. Now go off into the world and talk to strangers about your dog’s vagina. I am sure they’ll love to hear it!
Featured image via @gammy_and_ping/Instagram