If you’re looking for the perfect Valentine’s Day card to give your sweetheart in 1955, you’ve come to the right place. Let’s take a stroll down memory lane with these hilariously awful vintage Valentine’s Day cards featuring man’s best friend.
1. Give It to Me Straight
If your self-esteem has taken a beating recently, or you’re a contestant on “The Bachelor,” have we got the card for you!
2. He Sees You When You’re Sleeping. He Knows When You’re Awake
Make no mistake; this dog will be in your nightmares tonight.
3. Dog, Meet House
Be my Valentine. Or, we can experiment with some light bondage. Up to you.
4. How’s About We Swing by the Courthouse, Sugar?
It’s unclear if these are Pomeranians or cartoon bears. Who’s to say? Either way, nothing fans the flames of desire like impersonating a cop, forging court documents, and the implied threat of kidnapping.
5. Dogs Rule and They Also Drool
To you, kitty. A heart full of devotion…and buckets and buckets of my actual saliva. ‘Cause you thirsty! You’re welcome.
6. I Gotta “Put on the Dog” if You Catch My Drift
For a card starring two beloved Disney characters, this text sure seems like a thinly veiled innuendo. What does “putting on the dog” mean in this context, exactly?
7. Be Mine or…*Throat-Slashing Motion*
“Ohhh, Valentiiiiine. Look at the love note I wrote for you on Mommy’s wall using human blood! Now I shall stare fixedly into the middle distance until the sedatives wear off.” Even the dog is like, “Bitch, chillll.”
8. A Weighty Proposition
Ah, a romantic Valentine’s Day date: dinner followed by a public weigh-in. Trust: you’re better off giving your sweetheart a box of stale dog biscuits than a card that alludes to you WEIGHING her later.
9. You is Smart
The perfect card for when you want to tell your honey, “Not only am I smart, but also I can pick wedgies with the best of them.”
10. I Think My Dog’s Gone Crazy
Okay, this one is just cute. Print it out and go give it to your sugarplum.
We hope you enjoyed tonight’s edition of Bark After Dark, the one-stop-shop for all your insane-in-the-canine, cuckoo-for-cocoa-ruffs, barking mad needs!