1. THIS PUPPY’S BACKWARDS-LOOK BUTT
Let’s start things off easy. This puppy’s butt is extremely easy to take in. This is all fluff, scruff, and happiness, and look at his face – this puppy knows you’re into his butt and he’s 3000% ok with that. This is a puppy that knows what he’s got and is working it, and the world is supremely better off for it.
Take this one in, because things are only going to get more intense from here.
2. THE BUTT THAT IS HIDING BEHIND THIS CORGI’S BUTT HAIR
Ok, we’re kicking this one up a notch. You might want to close Facebook for this, because this puppy’s butt takes some focus to truly appreciate. Not only does Stumphrey here (friend of the internet’s favorite corgi, Corgnelius) present his butt straight at your face, as if the idea of you choosing to NOT look at is a ridiculous idea, but he then goes and hides that butt behind a thick curtain of lush, corgi butt hair. Stumphrey knows you want to see that prime butt real estate, but he’s also going to make you work for it. Damn it Stumphrey, WE HAVE THINGS TO DO TODAY.
3. ALL THREE- WAIT… OH GOD, FOUR– OF THESE BUTTS IN A ROW
OK, sit down, hold onto something, and strap the hell in. Jeebus. OK. Look, Puppies, I think this is just cheating. This is supposed to be an entry for one butt, but then you guys went and crammed three extra butts in there.
Oh lordy, there’s a whimsical wicker basket in the shot, too. What’s in the basket, spare butts? And what are you guys looking at, huh? You find something cool? Like, a pile of old forgotten baseballs that you’ll start yapping at, attracting the attention of a passing businessman who’ll see the baseballs and remember, just for a second, what it was like to be a child again? You’re unfairly adorable and you need to knock it off.
Look, we’re GOING to look at your butts, don’t think we won’t. We’re not monsters. I’m just saying, if you want us to peep those adorable tushes, you’ve got to play by the rules, otherwise this is just going to devolve into grown adults losing their minds in puppy-butt-induced anarchy-
4. WAIT PUPPIES, I NEED YOU TO SLOW DOWN AND LET ME FINISH
What, is… is he in a drainpipe?! Is that a puppy in a drainpipe after a fresh summer’s rain?!
OK, Puppies, listen, I don’t think you understand the heat you’re throwing out here. You’ve got to let us process one image, then the next, in our own time. But OK, fine, fluffy puppy butt in a drainpipe on a warm summer day:
The air is thick with a fragrant rain just passed as you walk along a cobblestone street in a foreign city wearing your favorite pair of jeans. You’re walking along and then… bam. This little tottering ball of adorableness and optimism comes exploring along, looking for fun new mysteries to solve. Your smile stretches across your face until it hurts, but you don’t stop, because how do you stop when you see a butt like this? And that’s when your heart explodes. It just explodes right out of your chest. And your elderly grandmother is the first person to find your body, and sees this little guy trotting off into the distance, and she smiles.
Because she knows you went out in the best way possible.
5. DAMN IT, PUPPIES, I DON’T THINK I CAN KEEP GOING
Alright, before this goes any further, we’re going to need to set some ground rules:
1. No more eye contact. I just can’t deal with the eye contact. Looking into your eyes and seeing all that optimism and hope and dreams and marshmallows and gumdrops and teddy bears and- for the love of God, Puppies, I am a grown man.
2. No more pink. Pink is already cute and you don’t put cute on cute for the same reason you don’t cross the proton streams.
3. NO MORE WITH THE EARS. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THE EARS.
That said, if we all agree on these rules, I think that moving forward, we’re all going to get along.
6. ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?! I AM SURE YOU ARE ACTIVELY TRYING TO END MY LIFE
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU ADORABLE LITTLE SAVAGES???
How am I, a functioning human adult with dreams and aspirations that I have to balance against the harsh realities of life in 2014 America, expected to go on with my life when exposed to a puppy with REAL, HONEST TO GOODNESS BUTT CHEEKS?!
OK, forget this. I’m done. I’m closing the laptop and walking away, puppy butts be damned. Yep, just closing up shop, walking away, and…
SURPRISE, SUCKER: PAJAMA PUPPY BUTT
Editor’s Note: It is with deepest sympathies that we report that the author of this article’s passing due to an exploded heart after looking at too many picture of adorable puppies’ butts. The author asked us to play Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” at his funeral, but to replace all the lyrics with the sounds of barks and adorable farting.