There’s probably nothing more embarrassing than your Google search history.
Except that moment you realize your search history more or less lines up with the same messed-up stuff your dog is wondering about.
Despite the (very likely) humiliation that your search history represents, it’s a good thing we all know to consult the Internet for answers to the questions we’re too afraid and ashamed to ask anyone else. And it’s an even better thing to know that you can blame a lot of your weird queries on the dog. (Whether people believe you or not is another question entirely.)
1. “why is my butthole so itchy”
It’s a cold, hard truth about life: everyone has a butthole. Even colder, harder and truer: everyone’s butthole gets itchy now and then. Whether you’re a human, dog, centaur, whatever. Doesn’t matter. It’s gonna itch. But unlike you, your dog has devised a clever way to deal with this.
2. “why is my poop green”
Shit happens. Sometimes it’s a weird color. Let’s move on.
3. “why do i have so many nipples”
Some of us are blessed with wonderful physical traits, like great hair, or a strong jawline, or “so many nipples.” Chances are your dog boasts far more nipples than you, but that doesn’t mean you’re both not curious about your weird body parts. I mean, if I looked like this, I would be asking some questions about my nipples for sure.
4. “where did my balls go”
Many men (and women) wonder about this, in a figurative sense. Your dog wonders about it for a different — and very literal — reason.
5. “how bad is chocolate for me”
Dogs should NEVER eat chocolate, so if your pup’s search history returns this result, or if they exhibit any symptoms (like restless behavior, pacing, muscle tremors, seizures, severe thirst, quick heart rate, and fever), seek medical attention immediately.
For humans, some studies have linked chocolate consumption to healthier hearts, happier moods, and clearer skin, but until more conclusive research is published, it’s probably best to “do” chocolate in moderation. But by all means, still “do” it, like a drug.
6. “how do i remove poop stains”
There are two kinds of people: wonderful individuals who occasionally get poop stains in their underwear, and dirty, disgusting liars.
If you’re one of those dirty, disgusting liars, I’d like to present you with Google’s prompts, which reflect popular searches from the charming, totally normal people who sometimes, through no fault of their own, shart directly into their underwear and/or carpet.
For the record, there is only one kind of dog. They all shart. And so do you.
7. “we had sex but i havent heard from them since”
We’ve all been there. You meet someone cool at a bar or a dog park, and before you know it, you’re slobbering all over each other. Maybe it culminates in a chaste dry hump, or maybe it’s a full-on hump, but however brief it was, it seems to have gone well. You exchange info and a mutual desire to see each other again.
And then you never see them again.
What. The. Hell. Were you just another notch in their bedpost/dog bed/belt/collar? Did it mean nothing to them? Maybe they died, and that’s why you haven’t heard from them? Yes, that must be it. So you start hoping they’re dead. But you never really know what went wrong. In fact, all you know now is that there’s more than one
broken heart bruised ego in your apartment. You and your pup can comfort each other by cuddling and remembering happier times.
8. “is it weird to like cats”
Probably the most horrifying thing anyone can uncover in anyone’s search history.
But we know dog lovers and dogs alike have, on occasion, snuggled up with cats, and it does make for some cute photos. Like this one.
9. “lost finale explained”
Because still no one understands what happened.
Oh well. At least that cute dog survived.
Or did he? Are they all dead? AFTER SIX YEARS OF MY LIFE ARE THEY ALL JUST DEAD?!
Excuse me while I once again read every article attempting to explain the series finale. Safe searching out there, you weirdos.