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9 Horrifying Times Your Search History Was The Same As Your Dog’s

9 Horrifying Times Your Search History Was The Same As Your Dog’s

There’s probably nothing more embarrassing than your Google search history.

Except that moment you realize your search history more or less lines up with the same messed-up stuff your dog is wondering about.

pug watching porn use

Despite the (very likely) humiliation that your search history represents, it’s a good thing we all know to consult the Internet for answers to the questions we’re too afraid and ashamed to ask anyone else. And it’s an even better thing to know that you can blame a lot of your weird queries on the dog. (Whether people believe you or not is another question entirely.)

1. “why is my butthole so itchy”
butthole so itchy use

dog butt

It’s a cold, hard truth about life: everyone has a butthole. Even colder, harder and truer: everyone’s butthole gets itchy now and then. Whether you’re a human, dog, centaur, whatever. Doesn’t matter. It’s gonna itch. But unlike you, your dog has devised a clever way to deal with this.

It might be gross, but sleigh-riding is far superior to your method (farting and hoping that sufficiently scratches the itch…or is that just me?).

itchy human butt

2. “why is my poop green”
why is my poop green 2 use

dog pooping

Shit happens. Sometimes it’s a weird color. Let’s move on.

3. “why do i have so many nipples”
why do i have so many nipples use

mark wahlberg nipple

Some of us are blessed with wonderful physical traits, like great hair, or a strong jawline, or “so many nipples.” Chances are your dog boasts far more nipples than you, but that doesn’t mean you’re both not curious about your weird body parts. I mean, if I looked like this, I would be asking some questions about my nipples for sure.

pug nipples

4. “where did my balls go”
where did my balls go

where are my balls dog meme

Many men (and women) wonder about this, in a figurative sense. Your dog wonders about it for a different — and very literal — reason.

5. “how bad is chocolate for me”
how bad is chocolate for me

chocolate salad use

Dogs should NEVER eat chocolate, so if your pup’s search history returns this result, or if they exhibit any symptoms (like restless behavior, pacing, muscle tremors, seizures, severe thirst, quick heart rate, and fever), seek medical attention immediately.

For humans, some studies have linked chocolate consumption to healthier hearts, happier moods, and clearer skin, but until more conclusive research is published, it’s probably best to “do” chocolate in moderation. But by all means, still “do” it, like a drug.

6. “how do i remove poop stains”
how do i remove poop stains final use

ralph meme

There are two kinds of people: wonderful individuals who occasionally get poop stains in their underwear, and dirty, disgusting liars.

If you’re one of those dirty, disgusting liars, I’d like to present you with Google’s prompts, which reflect popular searches from the charming, totally normal people who sometimes, through no fault of their own, shart directly into their underwear and/or carpet.

how do i remove poop stains full

For the record, there is only one kind of dog. They all shart. And so do you.

7. “we had sex but i havent heard from them since”
we had sex havent heard since

dogs in love

We’ve all been there. You meet someone cool at a bar or a dog park, and before you know it, you’re slobbering all over each other. Maybe it culminates in a chaste dry hump, or maybe it’s a full-on hump, but however brief it was, it seems to have gone well. You exchange info and a mutual desire to see each other again.

And then you never see them again.

YOU BLEW IT!!!!

What. The. Hell. Were you just another notch in their bedpost/dog bed/belt/collar? Did it mean nothing to them? Maybe they died, and that’s why you haven’t heard from them? Yes, that must be it. So you start hoping they’re dead. But you never really know what went wrong. In fact, all you know now is that there’s more than one broken heart bruised ego in your apartment. You and your pup can comfort each other by cuddling and remembering happier times.

dog humps human wedding

8. “is it weird to like cats”
is it weird to like cats

Probably the most horrifying thing anyone can uncover in anyone’s search history.

But we know dog lovers and dogs alike have, on occasion, snuggled up with cats, and it does make for some cute photos. Like this one.

cats and dogs

“Aww.”

9. “lost finale explained”
lost finale explained

lost tv show meme

Because still no one understands what happened.

Oh well. At least that cute dog survived.

lost vincent jack

Or did he? Are they all dead? AFTER SIX YEARS OF MY LIFE ARE THEY ALL JUST DEAD?!

Excuse me while I once again read every article attempting to explain the series finale. Safe searching out there, you weirdos.

Featured image via @nrrrdcore

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