Everything You Need To Know About the Beyonce & Jay-Z Rumors as Told By Puppies

Here at The BarkPost, we read everything. Sometimes–well, most of the time–we get the feeling stories aren’t being told the way they should. And lately, we’ve been hearing a lot about an impending Beyonce/Jay Z divorce.

Gif via Giphy

We know. We hate it too.

And we think the rumors stink like poo. Bey could produce an entire album without anyone saying a word. These two got MARRIED and no one knew about it. Do you think this uber-private couple would be doing a very public concert tour while in the midst of a divorce?

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Really, sir? Really?

And since the hoomans can’t seem to get to the bottom of it without talkin’ poo, it’s up to the pups to break it down.

First thing’s first: The elevator fight.

On May 5, 2014, Beyonce and Jay-Z went to the Met Ball. We imagine they danced, ate, and generally had a fabulous time with their fabulous friends. Whatever. Not jealous. I go to galas all the time.

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Everything seemed fine. But then a video surfaced of Solange, Beyonce’s sister, and Jay-Z getting into a fight in an elevator after the ball. Imagine the two dogs are Solange and Jay-Z and the Bichon is Beyonce.

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The event has since been known (melodramatically) as Elevatorgate.

Rumors of a rift between the two haven’t stopped since. Various outlets proclaiming that Rachel Roy, Rihanna, or even this chick hooked up with Jay-Z, or flirted with him at the Met Ball, or reignited old flames. Most were squashed, one by one.

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Meanwhile, in real life, the two began their first joint tour, the On the Run Tour, in June.

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The tour was a huge success, but the rumors didn’t stop. Soon Twitter was atwitter about how the two weren’t staying in the same hotel, or that they were seeing a marriage counselor, or that Beyonce was looking at apartments alone.

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And then Bey started changing lyrics–adding another verse to her hit song, “Flawless,” about the infamous elevator fight:

We be very confuzzled.

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But Beyonce has also been confusing everybody on Instagram, with photos of…

…Bey on a surfbort, a la Drunk in Love:

Images via @beyonce and @jaydeeleo

…and Bey in a “Carter” jersey:

Images via @beyonce and BaxterBoo

Which is to say, we’ve officially fallen into an internet wormhole and we can’t get up.

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We have know idea what’s true or not, but you crazy kids better work this out, or else. We will be completely distraught until Bey is blissfully happy. Because after all…

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She’s FLAWLESS.