Everything You Need To Know About the Beyonce & Jay-Z Rumors as Told By Puppies

Everything You Need To Know About the Beyonce & Jay-Z Rumors as Told By Puppies

Here at The BarkPost, we read everything. Sometimes–well, most of the time–we get the feeling stories aren’t being told the way they should. And lately, we’ve been hearing a lot about an impending Beyonce/Jay Z divorce.

puppy noGif via Giphy

We know. We hate it too.

And we think the rumors stink like poo. Bey could produce an entire album without anyone saying a word. These two got MARRIED and no one knew about it. Do you think this uber-private couple would be doing a very public concert tour while in the midst of a divorce?

reallyGif via Imgur

Really, sir? Really?

And since the hoomans can’t seem to get to the bottom of it without talkin’ poo, it’s up to the pups to break it down.

First thing’s first: The elevator fight.

On May 5, 2014, Beyonce and Jay-Z went to the Met Ball. We imagine they danced, ate, and generally had a fabulous time with their fabulous friends. Whatever. Not jealous. I go to galas all the time.

not jealousGif via Giphy

Everything seemed fine. But then a video surfaced of Solange, Beyonce’s sister, and Jay-Z getting into a fight in an elevator after the ball. Imagine the two dogs are Solange and Jay-Z and the Bichon is Beyonce.

bichon-oGif via mosse choi

The event has since been known (melodramatically) as Elevatorgate.

Rumors of a rift between the two haven’t stopped since. Various outlets proclaiming that Rachel Roy, Rihanna, or even this chick hooked up with Jay-Z, or flirted with him at the Met Ball, or reignited old flames. Most were squashed, one by one.

squashedGif via Giphy

Meanwhile, in real life, the two began their first joint tour, the On the Run Tour, in June.

on the runGif via Giphy

The tour was a huge success, but the rumors didn’t stop. Soon Twitter was atwitter about how the two weren’t staying in the same hotel, or that they were seeing a marriage counselor, or that Beyonce was looking at apartments alone.

shibetypingGif via Giphy

And then Bey started changing lyrics–adding another verse to her hit song, “Flawless,” about the infamous elevator fight:

“We escalating, up in this b*tch like elevators,
Of course sometimes sh*t go down,
When it’s a billion dollars on an elevator.”

We be very confuzzled.

pugsGif via Giphy

But Beyonce has also been confusing everybody on Instagram, with photos of…

…Bey on a surfbort, a la Drunk in Love:

Screen Shot 2014-08-13 at 5.56.55 PMImages via @beyonce and @jaydeeleo

…and Bey in a “Carter” jersey:

Screen Shot 2014-08-13 at 6.04.55 PMImages via @beyonce and BaxterBoo

Which is to say, we’ve officially fallen into an internet wormhole and we can’t get up.

puppyrollingGif via Giphy

We have know idea what’s true or not, but you crazy kids better work this out, or else. We will be completely distraught until Bey is blissfully happy. Because after all…

jenna marblesGif via DogSum