This past weekend I celebrated my 4th annual 29th birthday. And boy was it a crazy one! What did I do to celebrate, you ask? Well, I could tell you about the dog/guinea pig dance party I hosted, or my sweater-knitting binge, or my book-on-tape listening marathon. (Yes, I said “tape.” I don’t care if it’s technically a “book-on-streaming-download.”)
I could tell you more about this epic party weekend. Or I could just let these dogs sum up what it’s like to progress through the “when the *@%$ did this happen to me” decade.
1. When you decide to start running again, and this is how it ends. After 5 minutes.
“Leave me here… save yourself.”
2. When you get carded at the bar, and almost propose to the bartender.
“Don’t be alarmed, sir. But I think I’m in love with you.”
3. When you realize said bartender is already married… LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON EARTH.
“Oh you met in college? That’s so nice for you.”
4. When you realize that when your mom was your age, you were 4 years old.
“Wait… I must have done that math wrong”
5. When your friend cancels hanging out on Friday, and this is the joy you feel.
“I get to GO HOME and SLEEP!!!”
6. When you have to consult Urban Dictionary at least once a week.
“So. Many. Acronyms.”
7. When you sometimes wish there could be a printed edition of Urban Dictionary.
“Does *everything* have to be electronic? I miss the real world.”
8. When you remember The Real World premiere.
“Keeping it real, one scrunchie at a time.”
9. When you didn’t even have to pay a salon to get those “highlights.”
“It’s NOT grey. I’ve just been in the sun a lot.”
10. When this is you if coffee is not ingested within 10 minutes of waking up. And basically on the hour, every hour.
“Is there an IV system we can work out?”
11. When people call you “ma’am” or “sir” and it doesn’t even faze you anymore.
“Eh, ain’t nothing I haven’t heard before.”
12. When your friends start inviting you to “The divorce is final!” parties.
“Was I supposed to get you a present?”
13. When your OkCupid date says he wants to feel how he did with his 8th grade girlfriend.
“Wherefore art thou, midlife crisis?”
14. When people ask you if you feel your biological clock ticking.
“The heck you say?!”
15. When you still eat cereal for dinner sometimes… and hang your head in shame.
“I wish I could say I regret nothing… but…”
16. When a night of Netflix is so much more appealing than a night on any town could ever be.
“Not moving till Monday.”