Human friendships are great, but they’re nothing compared to the unbreakable bond you have with your dog. Unlike humans, your pup will never lose touch, forget to call you back, or forget to call at all. Dogs are loyal to the end, plus they can’t use phones. Using the classic Kate Hudson rom-com How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days as inspiration, here is how to lose all your friends in 10 days. Except your dog of course.
DAY 1: BE A BAD LISTENER
Alienating your friends is easier than you think. To start, begin employing poor listening tactics whenever your pals are around.
For example, when your friend — let’s call her “Laura” — is venting about her boyfriend and wondering if they should break up, bring up your dog. For no reason at all! Just do it randomly! Mention how your dog recently passed the 1,000 followers milestone on Instagram! Or that the crying face Laura’s making right now looks exactly like your dog when you leave for the day! Except it’s really cute when your dog does it.
DAY 2: PAY MORE ATTENTION TO YOUR PHONE THAN YOUR FRIENDS
For Day 2, continue showing your lack of interest by paying more attention to your phone than your friends. We suggest staring at the many dog pictures on your phone the entire time your friend is trying to talk to you.
Perhaps Laura asks you to coffee, to tell you she wants to give things with her boyfriend one last shot. As she talks, scroll through photos of your dog, watch videos of him, and generally dissociate from the living, breathing, feeling human sitting next to you.
Many of us are already skilled at checking our phones during conversation, so this tactic should prove easy to adopt for most. If your friend asks if you heard any of what they just said, be honest. Say: “I’m looking at photos of my dog.”
DAY 3: SCREEN THEIR CALLS
After a couple days of your indifference, you friend will be wondering what’s going on with you. They’ll be worried or annoyed or both. That’s good! It means you’re doing a great job — and just a few days in. But you’ve still got a long way to go if you’re committed to ditching all of your pals. Especially because they’re committed to you, and probably care about you a lot (geez, they’re annoying). Nevertheless, you must continue to ignore them.
Screen all calls. If necessary, reply to missed calls with a text in the form of a photo of your dog and a casual note like “Can’t pick up I’m with this cutie, sorry he broke up with you though ugh sucks let me know if you need anything!” Or whatever they were calling about.
DAY 4: HOST A TERRIBLE DINNER PARTY
Now that you’ve isolated your closest pal, you can begin to extend to your larger group of friends.
Invite everyone over for a dinner party at your place. They’ll all say what a nice idea this is, that it’ll be good for Laura to get out of the house and be around great friends and good eats. You encourage the group to come hungry, waving away their offers to bring over food.
Upon arrival, your friends discover the dinner party is, in fact, for your dog. (To be fair, you never said it wasn’t.) You force your friends to watch your dog eat and coo over it while refusing to feed them anything. Hours later, your friends depart, hungry and confused, but not before you yell after them, “You guys, don’t forget about tomorrow, it’s really important!!”
DAY 5. GUILT YOUR FRIENDS INTO DOING SOMETHING
What’s tomorrow, you ask? Not only is it Day 5 of your efforts, but it’s also your dog’s obedience school graduation, and you’ve guilted all of your “friends” into going.
Now, if they’re your real friends, they’ll attend despite last night’s disastrous dinner. And if they don’t, then congrats, you’ve successfully lost them in half the prescribed time, and need only read on if you’re curious.
If they do come, this is a perfect opportunity to vent to them about how annoying it is that Laura showed up to graduation late. Apparently she was picking up stuff from her ex-boyfriend’s apartment or something? Well that’s fine for her, but she missed your dog walking across stage to receive his diploma. And you only graduate obedience school once. (Unless you fail the first time.) Nevertheless. Huh. Some friend.
DAY 6. LAUNCH SOCIAL MEDIA ATTACK
You’re more than halfway there, so now it’s time to harness your passive-aggressive energy. The most powerful way to do this is through you and your pup’s social media presence.
Your “friends” have planned an epic night out for newly single Laura. But work has been reeeeeally crazy for you, and you’ve barely hung out with your dog, so you don’t reply to any of the email or text chains. You’ll be home, cuddled up next to your dog.
Once your friends start posting pics from their night, reply on all your social media platforms with funny vids, flattering selfies, and carefully filtered moments of love between you and your dog. The hashtags should express how your pup is the best bud ever, and how you don’t need anyone else.
DAY 7. START A BIG, PUBLIC FIGHT
“Making a scene” is a fantastic way to anger and alienate your friends.
Despite Laura’s recent heartbreak, she is trying to put herself back together, so she bravely hosts a potluck. Because nothing says “I have my sh-t together” like holding an adult dinner party. And although you’ve been weird lately, Laura invites you because maybe, just maybe, you’ll be your old self again.
Fat chance, Laura! Day 7 calls for a serving of shade: Upon arrival, you and your dog immediately start eating what you brought — a small portion of the organic, gluten-free, insert trendy diet that you and your pup just started. Laura asks why you didn’t mention your diet before. You insist you did. She insists you didn’t. (You didn’t.) The argument escalates until you inform her that the raised voices are upsetting your dog, and you’d be happy to revisit this when Laura is ready to act like an adult.
DAY 8. REMIND EVERYONE THAT DOGS > BABIES
Day 8 has dawned, and that finish line — where zero friends wait to greet you — is closer than ever. Today, you’ll want to shock and embarrass your pals by making bold, controversial statements.
So, perhaps one of your friends just had a baby. (Wow, your friends are doing great — falling in love and having kids. Hey, how are you doing? Does anyone ever ask you that?) Anyway, you’re all finally getting together at brunch, and your friend can’t wait to show pictures of her newborn. But every time she tries, you one-up her with stunning shots of your dog. Pic for pic, your pup outdoes the puny puker. It’s not even close.
You spend the entirety of brunch not-so-subtly implying that your dog is more important, miraculous and better than any newborn. And that dogs are just as hard to care for as tiny humans. This will cause jaws to drop and eyes to roll because there’s nothing people love more than babies.
DAY 9. RUIN A SPECIAL EVENT
You’re nearly there, “friend!” By the time Day 9 rolls around, the only reason you were invited to your friend’s birthday party is because the Facebook invite was sent weeks ago. Your goal here is to spoil the birthday in any way possible.
So, you might attend the party but spend the entire time wondering aloud why the birthday couldn’t be at a dog park. From there, you extrapolate on the perks of dog parks and why having your dog here would’ve been much better. Throughout the night, you refuse to stop this diatribe, even during the birthday person’s speech, loudly saying mid-toast, “You only turn 30 once, but seriously? Seriously?”
DAY 10. CANCEL YOUR INTERVENTION
At last, Day 10 has dawned, bright and cold. One final hurdle, and then you’re there. Friendless and free.
By now, your friends have all but given up on you. However, they will attempt one final effort to express their concern for your well-being. They won’t call it an intervention, but that’s what it will be.
When they extend the invite to your intervention, enthusiastically agree to attend. Then, one minute before you’re supposed to arrive, cancel on your friends without any explanation or remorse. A simple “I will be unable to attend. Thanks and best of luck to you all.” text should suffice.
And now, you can breathe deep. You are officially liberated from the shackles of friendship. You and your dog can continue on your way — unfettered and free to be best friends for life.
Thanks and best of luck to you all.