Don’t worry. This is a safe zone. Here we need not defend our love for our dogs. Simply given the fact that you’re reading these words on this almost offensively dog obsessed page, I can rest assured that you’re one of us. That you would never question my love for my dog and I, in return, would never question yours.
That being said… that doesn’t mean that our role as devoted dog parents doesn’t come with some smelly, messy, and sometimes even diarrhea-stained baggage.
Simply put: there are things — nay, horrors — I’ve encountered during my 11+ year stint as a dog mom that I never would have thought possible. Nightmares I wouldn’t wish on my own worst enemy.
May I present to you: BarkPost’s Countdown of the Top Ten Grossest Things Dog Parents Have Come To Accept As Inevitable! (We are workshopping a snappier title.)
#10: Dog Burps
While definitely far less wretched than any of the other items on our list, a dog wolfing down their breakfast and then belching directly in your face is far from pleasant. We’re pretty sure it’s their way of saying “thank you” but… we can think of plenty of gestures of gratitude that don’t involve kibble shrapnel.
#9: Eye Boogers
We all get those crusty little goops clinging to the corners of our eyes from time-to-time. And, while we all suffer together, having to wipe them from your dog’s eyes is a task that can make even the most experienced pup parent gag. (And while keeping the boogers at bay is necessary, some weirdos ’round our office actually claim that ridding their dogs of eye boogz is a cathartic guilty pleasure.)
#8: Dog Farts
Is it just me, or do some dog farts smell like a flash fried dumpster filled with dirty diapers and Brussels sprouts? I’ve honestly feared that my nose might melt off due to some of Oona’s more ripe anal acoustics.
#7: Being Watched While You Have Sex
It’s just a fact that once you have a dog, you have an audience. In exchange for years of puppy love and adoring kisses, you trade in your ability to do anything alone. Nothing you do is totally safe from the prying eyes of your pooch, not even sex, so you’re best off just getting reeeal comfortable with having no privacy.
#6: Your Dog Grooming Themselves In Front Of You
You can read the fine print, right? We’re talking about your dog all but servicing themselves to completion in front of you — or worse, in front of family or friends. One sniff in the wrong direction and I find myself squealing, “Oona! Private things should be done in private!” and usually she retreats to her crate to do her thang. You know your dog is a beautiful, perfect genius of a specimen, but it’s hard to show the world their razor-sharp wit or dazzling social skills when they’re too busy getting snout-deep in their own snatch.
#5. Dingle Berries
know don’t think she does it on purpose, but the few times Oona has gotten a dingle berry, she’s made sure to do it in front of as many people as possible. There’s no soul-crushing awkwardness like kneeling to use a poop bag to pry a half-cooked turd from your dog’s butt.
#4. Pee Puddles In Unexpected Places
Sometimes it’s bone-chillingly cold, other (fresher) times it’s hauntingly warm, either way, stepping in a pile of piss ain’t fun and is sure to have you hopping around on one foot like an idiot.
#3. Expression of Anal Glands
There is no stench quite so horrific as that of anal glands in the morning (or in the afternoon… or at night…) It’s a wretchedness all its own. If you haven’t encountered it yet, count your lucky stars, but consider yourself warned that this sniffable cyanide will get you when you least expect it.
#2. Stepping in Puke
I’m just getting all of them out of the way at this point. You might think I should have lumped them together, but these horrific bodily functions each deserve their own number. I think it’s the mysterious chunky nature that really sets this one apart.
That brings us to the coveted number one spot, the worst of the worst, the grossest thing that pet parents have come to accept as inevitable… drumroll please…
#1. The Squish of Dog Poop Between Your Toes
Even the most well-behaved dog has an accident every now and then, and while it’s not their fault (at least not entirely their fault), that doesn’t mean the squish of turd between toes is something you ever get used to. There’s just nothing that rivals the doughy squish, the ever-so-slow look down, and the mental (or actual) guttural scream of bloody murder that always accompanies this most unfortunate tragedy.