Puppy parenting is full of highs and lows. Hiding your food up really high where your puppy can’t get it, and bending over really low to clean up the poop he managed to take under the couch.
The experts tell you about crates, tips for potty training, ways to puppy-proof your house etc. That’s very important, but I think the experts are leaving out a few key points.
Here are some things to know so you’re not so taken abark when the time comes…
1. Secure everything.
Puppies are crazy clumsy!! You know all of those things you have? Well, unless placed in a secure location those things you have, are about to become those things you had.
2. Everything is a toy.
Your shoes, your couch, your crotch, your floss, your trash, your glasses, your face, your neighbor, your uncle’s hearing aids, that car, that bear, the moon, a bomb ETC. If your puppy can see it – he/she will play with it. Sticks help.
3. Everyone they meet is their very special, very important, very new, best friend.
That includes strangers, cats, enemies, intruders and vampires.
4. Puppies LOVE older dogs. Most older dogs will at best TOLERATE puppies.
If your puppy gets what I call the “whippersnapper-snap” from an older dog – don’t fret. Older dogs make the best trainers. 9 times out of 10 the older dog is just teaching your puppy how to properly socialize with other dogs; in their language. 🙂
5. Puppy teeth are made of razors.
Forget shark week. This is Bark Week.
6. Those razors will fall out so their adult teeth can grow in.
Tradition is for a “fang fairy” to place a biscuit under their dog bed while they’re sleeping.
There will be a lot of that. It’s heavenly. This one is in here because if you’re getting a puppy I recommend quitting your job so you can sleep in all day with her.
8. Hair. Everywhere.
Accept the fact that dog hair has now become a permanent accessory to every outfit. Call it, “chien chic.”
9. You’ll begin to sniff a lot of different whiffs.
Accept the fact that your life is about to be filled with a whole new world of lovely and not so lovely aromas. Including but limited to: puppy breath, frito paws, mystery pee, and puke.
10. Which brings me to farting.
Puppies are farts with fur. Their adorable little digestive tracks are still trying to get the hang of things, and in order to do that they’re gonna need to work out a few kinks in the form of monster farts.
11. There’s two different kinds of puppies. The ones who are afraid of everything (i.e. dust bunnies, hats, rain, plastic bags, Bjork…) and the ones that have a death wish.
Either way, it doesn’t matter because they are made out of rubber.
12. Eating will NEVER be the same again.Ever.
From now on, you will have to eat with one eye open at all times.
13. There’s never enough camera space on your phone and never will be.
“Bite me, phone! I don’t want to adjust my settings! Just be everything and more for me and my new puppy and take all the pictures I deem necessary. Dammit, Siri, be cool.”
14. And lastly, the biggest struggle of being a new pup parent, is how quickly it goes by!
The little munchkins grow up so fast! It’s a canine cliche, but it’s true! Never again will your pup be as trainable or smooshable as they are now. Enjoy this challenging, exciting, and hilarious time with your best buddy! These adorable, derp-filled days will be the building blocks for your relationship, so be sure to start it off on the right paw!
15. Also, I really can’t emphasize the fart thing enough.
Most importantly, if you’re getting a puppy…. CAN I COME OVER??