Valentine’s Day is supposed to be dedicated to spending time with the one we love. People often get this confused with spending money. I firmly believe in the notion that actions speak louder than words. The health of your relationship should not be determined by how much you spend on your significant other on Valentine’s Day, but by how happy you can be together, doing nothing. Here are 15 reasons why this year I feel totally comfortable in my decision to spend Valentine’s Day with my dog.
1. You get all the love, and none of the pressure.
Seriously, when your Valentine has absolutely NO idea what Valentine’s Day is, it really takes the pressure off. Your dog isn’t sitting there like, “You didn’t get me as good of a gift as last year? ARE YOU NOT INVESTED IN THIS RELATIONSHIP ANYMORE?” Or, “Why can’t we ever go out and do something ROMANTIC for a change?” They’re just sitting there like…
2. You don’t have to label your relationship before you’re ready.
If you’re in a new relationship, Valentine’s Day makes things REAL awkward. Everyone around you is dropping L bombs and you’re sitting there like “I like you a lot so far and I think maybe if Valentine’s Day were in 4 months I could say this but alkdjfa;sdfasldfsa if you were a dog this would be way easier.” No? Is that just me?
3. You don’t have to wear HEELS or TIGHTS. I REPEAT. YOU DON’T HAVE TO WEAR HEELS OR TIGHTS.
Ladies, why do this to yourself?
Your dog thinks you look perfect whether you’re wearing your expandable-waisted sweatpants or a tiny black dress. So if you have the option…you should just listen to your dog and wear sweatpants. Because if they could talk that is totally what they would say.
4. You don’t have to worry about whether or not they’ll get you a gift. Because let’s be honest, dogs are not the best gift givers.
“Ok so I got you this stick. If you don’t like it you can TOTALLY return it. Seriously, there were a bunch of options. Very reasonably priced.”
5. Your dog isn’t comparing you to all of their previous Valentines…
Dogs don’t have the cognitive ability to sit there and ruminate about how you compare to their ex’s. They’re also not sitting there looking at all of their friends’ Instagram pictures like “Why don’t WE ever do anything like that?”
6. If you DO decide to get fancy, your date will be the cutest. No questions asked.
7. They won’t get you a bunch of chocolate that you really don’t want to eat but obviously have to because it’s there.
“If I can’t eat it, you can’t eat it.”
8. If you do have a big rich romantic dinner you don’t have to worry about trying to be sexy and holding in your farts later in the night.
You can both just dutch oven each other on the couch in one big love-fart. I mean if that doesn’t say true romance, I don’t know what does.
9.You don’t have to drop $100 just to get your face licked at the end of the night. Unless you’re into that.
10. Dogs won’t call you Samantha in bed. I mean, what?
(Editors note: we can’t actually guarantee that. But dogs’ inability to talk drastically reduces the chances of that happening)
11. Dogs don’t mind when you look at other dogs.
“We all get the urge to pet a puppy once in a while. I’m not threatened.”
12. Dogs won’t cheat on you, other than that leg, which was just a one time thing and you’re totally over it.
13. Dogs won’t overdo it on red wine before the entrees arrive and faceplant on the table.
14. Dogs won’t forget it’s Valentines Day and buy you a pack of Pez & wilted flowers & then say they’re waiting to give you your gift next week because they don’t buy into socially mandated holidays that exploit peoples vulnerability for commercial purposes when in reality they’re trying to sabotage the relationship because they don’t have the balls to break up with you, Kevin.
“Really, Kevin? PEZ?”
15. All joking aside, dogs don’t need words, or material items. They need actions. That’s what Valentine’s Day should be about.